Monday, May 26, 2008
sexy chats....
you wanna do phone or did u pass out ??
--------------------------------------------------
On Mon 26 May 2008 04:59 AM, wrote:
> i am thinking of a jerk n dump scenario
> --------------------------------------------------
> On Mon 26 May 2008 04:58 AM, seanbateman9 wrote:
>
> dunno iam pretty laid back right now
> pumped to the gills with valerian herb and going to take some ambiens
> what did u have in mind and would u traval ?
>
>
>
> --------------------------------------------------
> On Mon 26 May 2008 04:53 AM,wrote:
>
> looking to get a good lay
> --------------------------------------------------
> On Mon 26 May 2008 04:53 AM, seanbateman9 wrote:
>
> thats was sweet -
>
> hehee --
>
> what are u doing up ?
> my hood is alive with drunk 20 soemthings...crashing cars
> and playing music in the street...dont really want to sleep right now -
>
>
> --------------------------------------------------
> On Mon 26 May 2008 04:51 AM, wrote:
>
> happy b day
> --------------------------------------------------
> On Mon 26 May 2008 04:50 AM, seanbateman9 wrote:
>
> fuk brah i cant seem to stop working --
> sup ??
> iam cruzing here but working as well on my blogs etc....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
From:
Subject: Re: wanna fuck?
Date: Mon 26 May 2008 05:18 AM
yea, perhaps i'm schizoid in my emotional self-sufficiency but i observe
guys' "micro-tells" (brief facial expressions n vocal
intonations). funny how
some who wanna say it cant, while so many that do say it falsely. meh.
not exactly non-conformist here per se, just more elective about it all.
--------------------------------------------------
On Mon 26 May 2008 05:13 AM, seanbateman9 wrote:
> well those fags in chelsea - what do they know - ?
> nothing...
> so few real men with real ideas and real lives man -
> you sound like a man who knows what he likes and doesnt follow....
>
> --------------------------------------------------
> On Mon 26 May 2008 05:11 AM, wrote:
>
> perhaps, but so many gay men aren't necessarily acclimated to emotional
> honesty, who would really know?
>
> throbbing here btw...
> --------------------------------------------------
> On Mon 26 May 2008 05:08 AM, seanbateman9 wrote:
>
> iam sure guys fall in love with you all the time - my bro --
>
>
> --------------------------------------------------
> On Mon 26 May 2008 05:03 AM, wrote:
>
> no sweat, i could do all the work n u could just lay there...
>
> just sayin ;)
>
> but i'll stop now.
>
> ahem.
> --------------------------------------------------
> On Mon 26 May 2008 05:01 AM, seanbateman9 wrote:
>
> ok man -- ill let you know -
>
> ill be up for awhile - but like i said iam a little high on sleeping
> pills
> --
> and not real focused --
>
> :)
> more later....
>
--------------------------------------------------
On Mon 26 May 2008 04:59 AM, wrote:
> i am thinking of a jerk n dump scenario
> --------------------------------------------------
> On Mon 26 May 2008 04:58 AM, seanbateman9 wrote:
>
> dunno iam pretty laid back right now
> pumped to the gills with valerian herb and going to take some ambiens
> what did u have in mind and would u traval ?
>
>
>
> --------------------------------------------------
> On Mon 26 May 2008 04:53 AM,wrote:
>
> looking to get a good lay
> --------------------------------------------------
> On Mon 26 May 2008 04:53 AM, seanbateman9 wrote:
>
> thats was sweet -
>
> hehee --
>
> what are u doing up ?
> my hood is alive with drunk 20 soemthings...crashing cars
> and playing music in the street...dont really want to sleep right now -
>
>
> --------------------------------------------------
> On Mon 26 May 2008 04:51 AM, wrote:
>
> happy b day
> --------------------------------------------------
> On Mon 26 May 2008 04:50 AM, seanbateman9 wrote:
>
> fuk brah i cant seem to stop working --
> sup ??
> iam cruzing here but working as well on my blogs etc....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
From:
Subject: Re: wanna fuck?
Date: Mon 26 May 2008 05:18 AM
yea, perhaps i'm schizoid in my emotional self-sufficiency but i observe
guys' "micro-tells" (brief facial expressions n vocal
intonations). funny how
some who wanna say it cant, while so many that do say it falsely. meh.
not exactly non-conformist here per se, just more elective about it all.
--------------------------------------------------
On Mon 26 May 2008 05:13 AM, seanbateman9 wrote:
> well those fags in chelsea - what do they know - ?
> nothing...
> so few real men with real ideas and real lives man -
> you sound like a man who knows what he likes and doesnt follow....
>
> --------------------------------------------------
> On Mon 26 May 2008 05:11 AM, wrote:
>
> perhaps, but so many gay men aren't necessarily acclimated to emotional
> honesty, who would really know?
>
> throbbing here btw...
> --------------------------------------------------
> On Mon 26 May 2008 05:08 AM, seanbateman9 wrote:
>
> iam sure guys fall in love with you all the time - my bro --
>
>
> --------------------------------------------------
> On Mon 26 May 2008 05:03 AM, wrote:
>
> no sweat, i could do all the work n u could just lay there...
>
> just sayin ;)
>
> but i'll stop now.
>
> ahem.
> --------------------------------------------------
> On Mon 26 May 2008 05:01 AM, seanbateman9 wrote:
>
> ok man -- ill let you know -
>
> ill be up for awhile - but like i said iam a little high on sleeping
> pills
> --
> and not real focused --
>
> :)
> more later....
>
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Sean's sex diary...
it was a few weeks later...
when a real darkness came over me...and i couldn't stop the "voices" in my head...
i had gotten drunk a few times from some "White Label" scotch stashed in my parents garage...and was feeling confused and spaced out...
i just remember climbing to the crawl-space above my dad's offices and then seeing a crate of swimming pool acid...
i got an idea but i ignored it --
then laying down on a pile of old rags, i pulled off my pants and began...to "spank one off" as fast as i could:
then i heard jake coming up the ladder...and
i couldn't get my pants up fast enough...
he totally caught me -- buttoning up my pants...
"oh well, well, well...what have we here -- ??"
jake kind of bellowed out and then grabbed the top button of my jeans and undid them...again -
exposing my pre-cummed adolescent cock...
he surveyed it - up and down and then without warning he grabbed the middle of the shaft, looked into my eyes and said:
"thats really beautiful..."
and then with his fist around my dick he looked me into the eyes again and for a minute i thought he might kiss me....but he touched my lower lip and ran a finger across it...and then just, paused for a second...
"hey, ya wanna try some of this...? he kind of jutted his chin toward me....
and with that he unbuttoned his pants and pulled out his own cock -- now totally big and hard...and dripping at the head with pre-cum...
"i wont tell anybody you were jerking off up here if you jerk me off too and well call it even...deal?" jake offered up - like kind of like --- blackmail...jake's specialty...
i was shaking...
i nodded:
"yes..."
my dick was now fully hard again looking at Jake's dick...
my dick was that still of a boy but his was the first true male - man, erection i ever saw...
it seemed huge compared to mine...
he had hair on his balls and they hugged the shaft of his cock at first and then when he relaxed and rubbed his dick more they fell down and became two separate nuts hanging there...full of juice...oozing out...
"go ahead man - put your hand around it..." he said guiding my hand to his pole...it was warm, i remember and i got a whiff of his crotch because he wasn't wearing any underwear...
>>>it smelled musky, like a locker room. kinda damp and masculine...
i was experiencing so many feelings...
and then without warning jake directed the head of his cock to my lips and then without talking - maybe i nodded yes - i dunno...
his erection passed over my lips and went into my mouth and i began to suck it...
it felt good and right for me to do it somehow -- connect to jake in this way: i think i was in love with him...
i dunno...
i don't remember much else...
i don't know if i came...
or jerked off my own dick while i sucked him off
but i do remember liking the taste and feeling that it seemed so big in my mouth...
Jake's moves were smooth -- like hed done something like this before...
he was pushing the head and shaft all the way into my throat...his voice becoming soft and almost affectionate...
saying things like:
"thats it -- good boy...you like that???
it feels nice - right ?
good - -- good boy...
oh yeah, it feels so good...oh..fuc yeah...baby..thats it..."
touching the top of my head nice...and stroking my hair -touching the back of my head - and then pulling me closer to him...so the side of my face brushed against his stomach as i sucked him off...and then he wrapped his arms around me....
just then, (and i think jake would have came or was getting ready to come but) my father's secretary came around asking if were were going to lunch or not...
"hey! hey you guys!"
we could hear her from the outside warehouse of the machine shop...
"hey!" she called out - :where are you boys ? what are you two up to...?"
when a real darkness came over me...and i couldn't stop the "voices" in my head...
i had gotten drunk a few times from some "White Label" scotch stashed in my parents garage...and was feeling confused and spaced out...
i just remember climbing to the crawl-space above my dad's offices and then seeing a crate of swimming pool acid...
i got an idea but i ignored it --
then laying down on a pile of old rags, i pulled off my pants and began...to "spank one off" as fast as i could:
then i heard jake coming up the ladder...and
i couldn't get my pants up fast enough...
he totally caught me -- buttoning up my pants...
"oh well, well, well...what have we here -- ??"
jake kind of bellowed out and then grabbed the top button of my jeans and undid them...again -
exposing my pre-cummed adolescent cock...
he surveyed it - up and down and then without warning he grabbed the middle of the shaft, looked into my eyes and said:
"thats really beautiful..."
and then with his fist around my dick he looked me into the eyes again and for a minute i thought he might kiss me....but he touched my lower lip and ran a finger across it...and then just, paused for a second...
"hey, ya wanna try some of this...? he kind of jutted his chin toward me....
and with that he unbuttoned his pants and pulled out his own cock -- now totally big and hard...and dripping at the head with pre-cum...
"i wont tell anybody you were jerking off up here if you jerk me off too and well call it even...deal?" jake offered up - like kind of like --- blackmail...jake's specialty...
i was shaking...
i nodded:
"yes..."
my dick was now fully hard again looking at Jake's dick...
my dick was that still of a boy but his was the first true male - man, erection i ever saw...
it seemed huge compared to mine...
he had hair on his balls and they hugged the shaft of his cock at first and then when he relaxed and rubbed his dick more they fell down and became two separate nuts hanging there...full of juice...oozing out...
"go ahead man - put your hand around it..." he said guiding my hand to his pole...it was warm, i remember and i got a whiff of his crotch because he wasn't wearing any underwear...
>>>it smelled musky, like a locker room. kinda damp and masculine...
i was experiencing so many feelings...
and then without warning jake directed the head of his cock to my lips and then without talking - maybe i nodded yes - i dunno...
his erection passed over my lips and went into my mouth and i began to suck it...
it felt good and right for me to do it somehow -- connect to jake in this way: i think i was in love with him...
i dunno...
i don't remember much else...
i don't know if i came...
or jerked off my own dick while i sucked him off
but i do remember liking the taste and feeling that it seemed so big in my mouth...
Jake's moves were smooth -- like hed done something like this before...
he was pushing the head and shaft all the way into my throat...his voice becoming soft and almost affectionate...
saying things like:
"thats it -- good boy...you like that???
it feels nice - right ?
good - -- good boy...
oh yeah, it feels so good...oh..fuc yeah...baby..thats it..."
touching the top of my head nice...and stroking my hair -touching the back of my head - and then pulling me closer to him...so the side of my face brushed against his stomach as i sucked him off...and then he wrapped his arms around me....
just then, (and i think jake would have came or was getting ready to come but) my father's secretary came around asking if were were going to lunch or not...
"hey! hey you guys!"
we could hear her from the outside warehouse of the machine shop...
"hey!" she called out - :where are you boys ? what are you two up to...?"
Sean's sex diary...
it was a few weeks later...
when a real darkness came over me...and i couldn't stop the "voices" in my head...
i had gotten drunk a few times from some "White Label" scotch stashed in my parents garage...and was feeling confused and spaced out...
i just remember climbing to the crawl-space above my dad's offices and then seeing a crate of swimming pool acid...
i got an idea but i ignored it --
then laying down on a pile of old rags, i pulled off my pants and began...to "spank one off" as fast as i could:
then i heard jake coming up the ladder...and
i couldn't get my pants up fast enough...
he totally caught me -- buttoning up my pants...
"oh well, well, well...what have we here -- ??"
jake kind of bellowed out and then grabbed the top button of my jeans and undid them...again -
exposing my pre-cummed adolescent cock...
he surveyed it - up and down and then without warning he grabbed the middle of the shaft, looked into my eyes and said:
"thats really beautiful..."
and then with his fist around my dick he looked me into the eyes again and for a minute i thought he might kiss me....but he touched my lower lip and ran a finger across it...and then just, paused for a second...
"hey, ya wanna try some of this...? he kind of jutted his chin toward me....
and with that he unbuttoned his pants and pulled out his own cock -- now totally big and hard...and dripping at the head with pre-cum...
"i wont tell anybody you were jerking off up here if you jerk me off too and well call it even...deal?" jake offered up - like kind of like --- blackmail...jake's specialty...
i was shaking...
i nodded:
"yes..."
my dick was now fully hard again looking at Jake's dick...
my dick was that still of a boy but his was the first true male - man, erection i ever saw...
it seemed huge compared to mine...
he had hair on his balls and they hugged the shaft of his cock at first and then when he relaxed and rubbed his dick more they fell down and became two separate nuts hanging there...full of juice...oozing out...
"go ahead man - put your hand around it..." he said guiding my hand to his pole...it was warm, i remember and i got a whiff of his crotch because he wasn't wearing any underwear...
>>>it smelled musky, like a locker room. kinda damp and masculine...
i was experiencing so many feelings...
and then without warning jake directed the head of his cock to my lips and then without talking - maybe i nodded yes - i dunno...
his erection passed over my lips and went into my mouth and i began to suck it...
it felt good and right for me to do it somehow -- connect to jake in this way: i think i was in love with him...
i dunno...
i don't remember much else...
i don't know if i came...
or jerked off my own dick while i sucked him off
but i do remember liking the taste and feeling that it seemed so big in my mouth...
Jake's moves were smooth -- like hed done something like this before...
he was pushing the head and shaft all the way into my throat...his voice becoming soft and almost affectionate...
saying things like:
"thats it -- good boy...you like that???
it feels nice - right ?
good - -- good boy...
oh yeah, it feels so good...oh..fuc yeah...baby..thats it..."
touching the top of my head nice...and stroking my hair -touching the back of my head - and then pulling me closer to him...so the side of my face brushed against his stomach as i sucked him off...and then he wrapped his arms around me....
just then, (and i think jake would have came or was getting ready to come but) my father's secretary came around asking if were were going to lunch or not...
"hey! hey you guys!"
we could hear her from the outside warehouse of the machine shop...
"hey!" she called out - :where are you boys ? what are you two up to...?"
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Letter to Sally Kern Rep OK State Rep homophobe
letter posted and published www.theadvocate.com
letters....
3-18-08
Sally Kern: Old-fashioned Fascism
Re Oklahoma state representative Sally Kern: Sorry, Sally - hatred hidden behind bible quotes is still hatred...and all hate speech is from the same toxic pool of what becomes Nazism which leads to violence and murder... there will be and there is blood on your hands... say what you like - free speech or not: I'll beg to differ on one point...you are not a kind nor compassionate, forgiving nor loving Christian as the religion's founder: Jesus taught and preached. You are the same old fascist-rascist-elitiist-toxic (insane?) personae that has paraded around lying in wait....over and over... and looking to "strike" or "Strike down" or maim or kill wherever it can... Its always interesting to note that "Right wing Neo-Con-fundie-types" of the "Hetero-supremicist" variety never bother to focus on how (((heterosexuals))) could make the world a better place...or lecture or educate on what could be improved in the Hetero-sexual communties: No, No , No....it's always about how so called "Evil homos" are ruining everything...and taking over the world... You never hear of heterosexuals taking responsiblity for the more than 50 percent divorce rates....themselves... or discussing their rates of drug use, alcoholism, spousal abuse, teen-age pregnancy...on and on... Sally: I wish you peace and sanity and love: because I know that you and your kind always disappear when held up to the light of love and truth.... I surround you with love at this time...and wish to express my pity for your poor gay son who I'm sure you taught him to hate himself... A hater - hates himself and those around him or her and can only teach-preach hatred...it doesn't always look like that - but its results are always the same...violence and murder... dear Sally you've got blood on your hands... You are not the voice of God.... you are the rant of insanity and hatred and terror.... you are the terrorist.... not us....
Sean Bateman
New York, N.Y.
letters....
3-18-08
Sally Kern: Old-fashioned Fascism
Re Oklahoma state representative Sally Kern: Sorry, Sally - hatred hidden behind bible quotes is still hatred...and all hate speech is from the same toxic pool of what becomes Nazism which leads to violence and murder... there will be and there is blood on your hands... say what you like - free speech or not: I'll beg to differ on one point...you are not a kind nor compassionate, forgiving nor loving Christian as the religion's founder: Jesus taught and preached. You are the same old fascist-rascist-elitiist-toxic (insane?) personae that has paraded around lying in wait....over and over... and looking to "strike" or "Strike down" or maim or kill wherever it can... Its always interesting to note that "Right wing Neo-Con-fundie-types" of the "Hetero-supremicist" variety never bother to focus on how (((heterosexuals))) could make the world a better place...or lecture or educate on what could be improved in the Hetero-sexual communties: No, No , No....it's always about how so called "Evil homos" are ruining everything...and taking over the world... You never hear of heterosexuals taking responsiblity for the more than 50 percent divorce rates....themselves... or discussing their rates of drug use, alcoholism, spousal abuse, teen-age pregnancy...on and on... Sally: I wish you peace and sanity and love: because I know that you and your kind always disappear when held up to the light of love and truth.... I surround you with love at this time...and wish to express my pity for your poor gay son who I'm sure you taught him to hate himself... A hater - hates himself and those around him or her and can only teach-preach hatred...it doesn't always look like that - but its results are always the same...violence and murder... dear Sally you've got blood on your hands... You are not the voice of God.... you are the rant of insanity and hatred and terror.... you are the terrorist.... not us....
Sean Bateman
New York, N.Y.
Tuesday, March 04, 2008
new post 2016
random thoughts - cold feb -- saturday afternoon...
human beings cant fly.
but I dream of flying all the time...
last night I won 87 million dollars....
Do dogs dream?
after everything is whisked away upon death - transformation -- here - in this reality what will be left of you?
youll have memories...
that is all...
you dont take the house
or the car
or the watch....
or your wife or your lover...with you...
you go alone - with a pack of memories...
will they be will warm or cold...?
full of love or simply a flashback of unspoken pain...
everyone has pain...
the pain of seperating from the divine upon birth...
the pain of seperating from the divine
the source energy...
wanting to go back...to the source energy...
holding memories...
of past lives...
times -- other worlds...
spirits...
remembering eternity....
giving your life to something..something you live for...
something youd die for...
no one is wrong here...
look at their life as their experience....
who really cares what someone else believes....?
are we a nation - a wolrd and planet that is destined to live under the oppressive domination of psychopaths....?
totalitarian worlds...
domination...control...seperation from the divine - source energy...
man kills for fun and sport -
you do not see this in nature....
man kills for jealousy and rage....
you do not see this in nature...
domination of the pack....yes...in Baboons....
the alpha male in the Baboon pack is allowed to mount any other Baboon he pleases...and often times he will mount other males as well as females...
pause....
drugs...medication...
meditation...
medication
meditation....
medicine....
the cure --
authenticity...
being Lost...
you have the experience...
if your energy stops flowing - dis-ease begins
why ?
because it stagnants...
therefore --
is dis-ease
disease - simply stagnant energy?
Is--- health - ?
balance
health is balance...
??
yes ?
affirmation: I allow my energy - my chi to flow wherever it needs to go --
like a river....
Repeat after me:
My sense of protection is restored...
My divine intelligence is restored...
I'am re-connected to the source-energy...
I'am powerful and wise...
and knowing and strong...
I refuse to absorb anyones pain or fear or abuse...
I will detatch from all things that poison me or poison the Earth...
I do not want poison in my mind or body...
I'am not fear or dis-ease...
my core is light and divinty...
I'am power and intelligence...
I'am free...I will not be repressed or depressed by anyone or anything...
Organic in means organic thoughts and feelings and an organic life...
my sexuality is right for me...
my sexual energy is powerful...
my energy can not be blocked...or repressed...
I'am life
I'am fire and water and light and dark
I'am the Earth and the sky...
I'am everything...
I'am love and power...
Amen...
Friday, February 22, 2008
SeanB - SeanBateman9 Rapture Cafe reading Review...EV
SeanBateman9 - Rapture cafe Reading -- review....11/07
below is a review of last weds Seanbateman9 reading @ The Rapture Cafe in the East villiage...
november 29th reviewed on blog
http://www.farmboyz.blogspot.com/
by Perge Modo
as follows:
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Any Wednesday Night
"On Wednesday evening, I arrived awfully late to hear those reading at Rapture Café. Late but confident that they’d save Edmund White for last, and that was indeed the case, so my trip south on the W and east on the L was justified.
I also heard the entire delivery of the handsome, intense, and probably slightly-deranged-in-that-good-way SeanBateman9 whose face, body, voice and carriage are etched with the highly charged circuitry of the sexual energy of his past, present and future.
I liked his story, and found him to be more of a gifted performer than others who have held that microphone, but my own relentless inclination to edit led me to telling him (after compliments) that he could have skipped the entire introduction and framery that he had been inclined to supply. Actually, I was not alone in that opinion, having heard someone seated in the dark rows to the left of me shout out “Read!” while SB9 was still working his way through that intro. Goodness, I thought, are we at the Apollo?
One note about this man before I recommend your seeking out his blog and his television program. When he announced that he is into metaphysics, sex and death, I felt apprehension, having done a bit of research into all three and having learned that those three sisters are best approached not in their direct naming but through the following of those mazes that will lead you to them accidentally. But, I am giving him his props: the skewer-de-force story that followed, told almost in gruesome real time, leads the listener to a satisfying destination between its lines. Also, I feel kinship with men who do this kind of "KirkTV" , having had my own local access TV show for a few years in the Wretched Little City.
Oh, and a note to all you Craigslister Misters, if SeanBateman9 shows up at your door, and if you’ve subtracted even one pound from your real weight or one year from your real age, run for cover.
One final thing about this guy urges me to seek him out. He says he has gone through several “deaths”, and that as a consequence of each, has invented a persona that seemed to surface like a mask from the lake of each demise. I, who have gone through four deaths, each made almost painless by the self-administered novocaine of adequate pre-planning, can appreciate this and am always curious about the deaths and resurrections of others."
Rapture cafe - east villiage - nyc weds Nov 28th 2007
love Sean
below is a review of last weds Seanbateman9 reading @ The Rapture Cafe in the East villiage...
november 29th reviewed on blog
http://www.farmboyz.blogspot.com/
by Perge Modo
as follows:
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Any Wednesday Night
"On Wednesday evening, I arrived awfully late to hear those reading at Rapture Café. Late but confident that they’d save Edmund White for last, and that was indeed the case, so my trip south on the W and east on the L was justified.
I also heard the entire delivery of the handsome, intense, and probably slightly-deranged-in-that-good-way SeanBateman9 whose face, body, voice and carriage are etched with the highly charged circuitry of the sexual energy of his past, present and future.
I liked his story, and found him to be more of a gifted performer than others who have held that microphone, but my own relentless inclination to edit led me to telling him (after compliments) that he could have skipped the entire introduction and framery that he had been inclined to supply. Actually, I was not alone in that opinion, having heard someone seated in the dark rows to the left of me shout out “Read!” while SB9 was still working his way through that intro. Goodness, I thought, are we at the Apollo?
One note about this man before I recommend your seeking out his blog and his television program. When he announced that he is into metaphysics, sex and death, I felt apprehension, having done a bit of research into all three and having learned that those three sisters are best approached not in their direct naming but through the following of those mazes that will lead you to them accidentally. But, I am giving him his props: the skewer-de-force story that followed, told almost in gruesome real time, leads the listener to a satisfying destination between its lines. Also, I feel kinship with men who do this kind of "KirkTV" , having had my own local access TV show for a few years in the Wretched Little City.
Oh, and a note to all you Craigslister Misters, if SeanBateman9 shows up at your door, and if you’ve subtracted even one pound from your real weight or one year from your real age, run for cover.
One final thing about this guy urges me to seek him out. He says he has gone through several “deaths”, and that as a consequence of each, has invented a persona that seemed to surface like a mask from the lake of each demise. I, who have gone through four deaths, each made almost painless by the self-administered novocaine of adequate pre-planning, can appreciate this and am always curious about the deaths and resurrections of others."
Rapture cafe - east villiage - nyc weds Nov 28th 2007
love Sean
Somewhere in Time....the DReam of a lost love...now re-appeared...
Somewhere in time...
Current mood: blue...
>>>dear --------
its six AM over a crisp clear -- biting cold manhattan sky...
i awake -- my body nearly paralyzed from the two Ambiens the valiums and muslce relaxers and what?
the mind numbing ideas that float in and out of me...
and still I awake...NO -- still in the winter slumber of this month -- still I can not sleep....
I lay here...my eyes water...
I can not cry --
I can not makes sense of the tne lifetimes that has passed beofre my eyes in this body...
I'am a vampire... a child, a poet, words and images -- water rushing, all inside -- outside, around my bed...
a calling...
ten lifetimes..
other loves...many of whom -- still emmante from the body...as if our loving making transcends all time...
as if it were alive...the eyes, the sensation of love -- pouring forth and about and around, like the hours...and the waters...
filling up the room here...
the hours...
the flowers on the table - white, and the flames of my love, all my loves but one particulair, --- whom i know resides forever in my heart...who is from me -- and he and I will return to God together sme day...
but he -- was then -- in another body...a woman -- stunning and angry...
I was dashinng -- and handsome beyond...she is in a room of wealth and finery...
is having a fit of sorts - the kind that made me forever fall in love with her...
and melt me into her...
the hours that pass... are nothing, the minutes that fade are nothing ...
compared to what happened inside of me when we made love...
it was like touching fire, like holding the delicate blue of the flame to my breast...
the eyes, entranced and hot and cool and yet warm all at once...
the sensations fo the body...yes..she -- yes forever, yes that lifetime, that house...
and thus she forbades me to enter that room where i stood and entered her...
her raven night -- eyes and china white skin...so fine and bold and strong and poetic and pure...
raging -- again raging...
as i'am time to her...I'am love to her...i'am anger to her...I'am everything to her...
and thus that also means -- that I'am hatred and pain to her...
together we turned every nobleman's and and squires and pontiffs eyes-- all to us...
as if god himself -- had his hnad in creating us two -- now made to be in love for eterntiy...
A torment -- of sorts knowing...that indeed -- you can never be seperated...not torn asunder...
no -- never be as two...from the first hour, the first day -- the first night..and meling...
no
the two were then forever joined...
I knocking...outside and calling to my beloved...and yet -- she does not come...
no she will not...
it was about a boy, who meant nothing to me, and yet it happened all the still...in the stable -- one afternoon, somethat that happens between men, on a hot - warm, all too quiet day...
I promised my beloved an eterntiy the night beofre, and spoke my true words...
I'am -- I was a man of my word and thus having spoke -- she spakred a flame to the candle...
and bit my lip to reveal blood -- but i dint not whince...
..((this is all becoming clear -- but slowly--- THE "Remembering..." in this lifetime i call his name by "Chrsitian..." and of whom i have never met fact to face...
"christian--Christian.."
I suppose it would be inevitable that he would choose tha name -- in this lifetime...since of course it is and always has been the honey to my ears...my favorite -- most coveted of sounds...
"Christian..."
through the strange years of my life...
I -- myself have thought of -- wanted to be called that, but i knew it wasnt my name...yes it belonged to someone i would love forever -- have loved forever, yes i knew -- but as of yet - had not met...
In answer to your query now-- I'am real, and yes he is real...
and yes I can not shake that other lifetime and many lifetimes with him -- and us as two other people...two other bodies...
another time period...
othher than this...
just now --
in this lifetime...
ican feel him thinking about me..under his own sky -- a seperate coast apart...
music in the background...he on a chaise overlooking, the city that makes dreams...
"Christian..." my beloved from so many lifetimes again...
to endure the absence of his kiss...the running away from me through time...
"Christian.." putting on a spell on men... that never whiters...
"Christian..."
yes -- even at this very hour-- watching through the looking glass of eterntiy-- i see him -- as her...
in the room...
and we are locked away in the madness of that other time...
where upon she enters the stable door -- to find us...
the stable boy and i -- in an amourous pose...
I to him, partaking - of his youth, so fine and subtle..and pure it was...
ans she -- her eyes -- now a-raged-- enraged with anger, that i dared to give my seed to another...
i turn-- we turn --
the boy and I and she runs...
runs away to the house -- through the woods...i look down upon him and kiss his forhead, almost sensing that i will never see him again..
and as i run toward her...knowing this indeed will be my last and final night in this body....in this form...
not for having dared to share my lust with another man -- but simply because I belonged to her and only her.... and she, having thus - arrived -- and glimpsing the passion in my face at that moment - at the stable door, was driven to pure and absolute madenss...
A madness she would not recover from - nor ever - be able to cool- or quell...
and thus -- yes through the wooded-- trees that encircled the house, a house where our pact was solidified...
a home off wealth and priveledge...and I ran toward it -- it towering white granduer...knowing that fate had beeen sealed...and soon...it would be in ruins...somehow...
it would all be turned...or lost or broken...
her rage...
the house --
the boy--
my heart...
a fire -- my phallus still heated -- my throat ahcing for what was to come...the punishment i must endure for falling so hopelessly -- truly and deeply and abidingly in love...
spanning across eveything...
my love for her...
i would have been glad to live as a pauper...if only to have that time gain...that day again, in the late afternoon and that stillness in my soul again...
she runs --
I run - i call her name...Alexandria!
but she can not hear - nor see - or know anything excpet that she has been betrayed...
"he is nothing..."
i call to her..."nothing..."
but she can not hear...she is gone -- far -- far into her madness...
and now sparks the flame to a candleabra...
and without a monets notice i see the windows of our most treasued home..
thehome where we entertained, the elite of the world at one time...
the windows... a flame...
"Alexandria!!"
I call out in the foyer...and then beat down -- and hit through - the main -- boudior door where she is...
and i see the flames...now dancing lazily up one side of the wall next to our bed...
and she turns...an ending is near...and our eyes meet----
I gaze upon her and try - as time stops..now forever and ever and always frozen...
frozen even more that the mahattan sidewalks of a few hundred years later...where upon through an elctronic device would recant my tale here for you...
yes...she turns and gazes and time freezes and i utter:
"I will always -- love you..."
and she begins to cry and enters my arms.....her fine pale ---lace gown...now-- a glow -- with those flames and then she enters my arms for the last and final time and we embrace...and go together...
into the heavens and back to the god that created us...
yet burned now togehter...
as muses and angels and water melting and snow falling...as trees swaying and sun coming down...she and I...together...now burned into one...as out bodies from tha time...release us...
and then in the distance..i gaze down to the late afternoon to see the boy watching the house burn to the ground and weep...
and her soul departs mine-- rips from mine..as violnet as every storm combined and diappears inot the heavens...into another body...perhaps into this lifetime-- only still the spell remains..until i feel her again --
now as another name...now as something found that was always missing...
now the final piece of my wanting...forever and ever wanting --something in this lifetime and never being able to grasp what it was...
it was her...it is -- him...
and then when i saw his picture...i saw those eyes...again...encased in a new body -- i knew it was her..
yes i knew it was my other soul-- my other half and my final piece...my own self...melted into her - him so long ago...
and indeed in this lifetime his name: is chrsitian...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>
woe to me... and pity to me...and i have endured and suffered for loving him...all these lifetimes...
many of which she-- he never surfaced...
a pain that could never be quelled nor medicated nor - simplified nor purified because as i have told you was born in purity...
and i think that perhaps you might recognize my tale...and although be perplexed as to the why - i recant it spefically to you..i think you will understand somehow..in the latter remmnants of your spirit-- in the wind -- watching as you were...while the two of us burned on that summers day-- your heart forever broken...
alexandria and I -- leaving you as we were - as we did -- so suddenly...and I'am sorry...
andnow make me regrets free and known here to you...
and if the utterances of words having meaning or weight-- or purpose -- here now in this future time...
time time--
a time that truly is forzen within...and for all intents and pruposes does not exist...
then I'am to say here that i'am sorry...
and that I loved you and do love you -- in a much more poetic and charmed and perhaps...less impassioned way than her...
but love none the less..
and perhaps...glancing over your notes here in this electronic space i believe that you are to understand my apology...
and would upon consideration- accept it - for the both of us...and that yes i loved you...
and that your kiss that lone lazy beautiful afternoon was one of the finest that i have had to endure...
yes -- I'am sorry and truly -- as i know anything know that it was you -- on that afternoon in the french countryside...
and Alexandria>>? now named in this lifetime-- Chrisitian..and i kirk...
yes - the two os us..having never met...but me always knowing i would see her again and perhaps you...yes..here we are..again...
so the mending of my heart and yours could be released and spoken and known...
He thinks me mad...for saying or knowing all of this -- today..but it is as real in my soul...and the breath upon my lips and the cold sky aboove...
Today...through the haze of medicines and pain and doubts of this life...it is Chrisitan - was who then Alexandria, a beuaty to her and now to him that transcends time...
and yet each night -- i whisper into the phone -- and yes he thinks me mad and perhaps is frightned by the ghosts i summon to him...
and i call to him and he at times seems to be residinghere with me in my bed and bosom and in the sheets and walls and the oxegen of the space...
Christian..holding power over me still...
and thinking me mad for whispering how deeply I'am in love -- still...from al the other times and bodies...and sunsets weve shared...christian -- will you ever rmemebr that we were born together - must die and be re-born togther foever...never released until we are once again burned back into god's arms...
christian my beloved and everything -- of course -- to say i love you-- has no consequnce...nevermore..
in this life but in know that somehwere you know...
somehwere in time...with the tears that stream down my cheeks...
the hands to my forhead everynight -- the torment of your absence...
in this lifetime -- his name -- her name -- is yes Christian...
and i awash in the pain -- and knowledge...of all the other lifetimes...
i call forth for ye - to remember me now...as an incantation and prayer..and whisper yet another night into the phone and medicate the body so that the spirit may be set free -- to come to you...on the wind...
yes as i have allready -- many times -- now -- in this time since we met again...
and I whisper -- vaugue -- yet pure...
"I love you...." and then lose conciousness...to arrive at your side...
forever....
K
Current mood: blue...
>>>dear --------
its six AM over a crisp clear -- biting cold manhattan sky...
i awake -- my body nearly paralyzed from the two Ambiens the valiums and muslce relaxers and what?
the mind numbing ideas that float in and out of me...
and still I awake...NO -- still in the winter slumber of this month -- still I can not sleep....
I lay here...my eyes water...
I can not cry --
I can not makes sense of the tne lifetimes that has passed beofre my eyes in this body...
I'am a vampire... a child, a poet, words and images -- water rushing, all inside -- outside, around my bed...
a calling...
ten lifetimes..
other loves...many of whom -- still emmante from the body...as if our loving making transcends all time...
as if it were alive...the eyes, the sensation of love -- pouring forth and about and around, like the hours...and the waters...
filling up the room here...
the hours...
the flowers on the table - white, and the flames of my love, all my loves but one particulair, --- whom i know resides forever in my heart...who is from me -- and he and I will return to God together sme day...
but he -- was then -- in another body...a woman -- stunning and angry...
I was dashinng -- and handsome beyond...she is in a room of wealth and finery...
is having a fit of sorts - the kind that made me forever fall in love with her...
and melt me into her...
the hours that pass... are nothing, the minutes that fade are nothing ...
compared to what happened inside of me when we made love...
it was like touching fire, like holding the delicate blue of the flame to my breast...
the eyes, entranced and hot and cool and yet warm all at once...
the sensations fo the body...yes..she -- yes forever, yes that lifetime, that house...
and thus she forbades me to enter that room where i stood and entered her...
her raven night -- eyes and china white skin...so fine and bold and strong and poetic and pure...
raging -- again raging...
as i'am time to her...I'am love to her...i'am anger to her...I'am everything to her...
and thus that also means -- that I'am hatred and pain to her...
together we turned every nobleman's and and squires and pontiffs eyes-- all to us...
as if god himself -- had his hnad in creating us two -- now made to be in love for eterntiy...
A torment -- of sorts knowing...that indeed -- you can never be seperated...not torn asunder...
no -- never be as two...from the first hour, the first day -- the first night..and meling...
no
the two were then forever joined...
I knocking...outside and calling to my beloved...and yet -- she does not come...
no she will not...
it was about a boy, who meant nothing to me, and yet it happened all the still...in the stable -- one afternoon, somethat that happens between men, on a hot - warm, all too quiet day...
I promised my beloved an eterntiy the night beofre, and spoke my true words...
I'am -- I was a man of my word and thus having spoke -- she spakred a flame to the candle...
and bit my lip to reveal blood -- but i dint not whince...
..((this is all becoming clear -- but slowly--- THE "Remembering..." in this lifetime i call his name by "Chrsitian..." and of whom i have never met fact to face...
"christian--Christian.."
I suppose it would be inevitable that he would choose tha name -- in this lifetime...since of course it is and always has been the honey to my ears...my favorite -- most coveted of sounds...
"Christian..."
through the strange years of my life...
I -- myself have thought of -- wanted to be called that, but i knew it wasnt my name...yes it belonged to someone i would love forever -- have loved forever, yes i knew -- but as of yet - had not met...
In answer to your query now-- I'am real, and yes he is real...
and yes I can not shake that other lifetime and many lifetimes with him -- and us as two other people...two other bodies...
another time period...
othher than this...
just now --
in this lifetime...
ican feel him thinking about me..under his own sky -- a seperate coast apart...
music in the background...he on a chaise overlooking, the city that makes dreams...
"Christian..." my beloved from so many lifetimes again...
to endure the absence of his kiss...the running away from me through time...
"Christian.." putting on a spell on men... that never whiters...
"Christian..."
yes -- even at this very hour-- watching through the looking glass of eterntiy-- i see him -- as her...
in the room...
and we are locked away in the madness of that other time...
where upon she enters the stable door -- to find us...
the stable boy and i -- in an amourous pose...
I to him, partaking - of his youth, so fine and subtle..and pure it was...
ans she -- her eyes -- now a-raged-- enraged with anger, that i dared to give my seed to another...
i turn-- we turn --
the boy and I and she runs...
runs away to the house -- through the woods...i look down upon him and kiss his forhead, almost sensing that i will never see him again..
and as i run toward her...knowing this indeed will be my last and final night in this body....in this form...
not for having dared to share my lust with another man -- but simply because I belonged to her and only her.... and she, having thus - arrived -- and glimpsing the passion in my face at that moment - at the stable door, was driven to pure and absolute madenss...
A madness she would not recover from - nor ever - be able to cool- or quell...
and thus -- yes through the wooded-- trees that encircled the house, a house where our pact was solidified...
a home off wealth and priveledge...and I ran toward it -- it towering white granduer...knowing that fate had beeen sealed...and soon...it would be in ruins...somehow...
it would all be turned...or lost or broken...
her rage...
the house --
the boy--
my heart...
a fire -- my phallus still heated -- my throat ahcing for what was to come...the punishment i must endure for falling so hopelessly -- truly and deeply and abidingly in love...
spanning across eveything...
my love for her...
i would have been glad to live as a pauper...if only to have that time gain...that day again, in the late afternoon and that stillness in my soul again...
she runs --
I run - i call her name...Alexandria!
but she can not hear - nor see - or know anything excpet that she has been betrayed...
"he is nothing..."
i call to her..."nothing..."
but she can not hear...she is gone -- far -- far into her madness...
and now sparks the flame to a candleabra...
and without a monets notice i see the windows of our most treasued home..
thehome where we entertained, the elite of the world at one time...
the windows... a flame...
"Alexandria!!"
I call out in the foyer...and then beat down -- and hit through - the main -- boudior door where she is...
and i see the flames...now dancing lazily up one side of the wall next to our bed...
and she turns...an ending is near...and our eyes meet----
I gaze upon her and try - as time stops..now forever and ever and always frozen...
frozen even more that the mahattan sidewalks of a few hundred years later...where upon through an elctronic device would recant my tale here for you...
yes...she turns and gazes and time freezes and i utter:
"I will always -- love you..."
and she begins to cry and enters my arms.....her fine pale ---lace gown...now-- a glow -- with those flames and then she enters my arms for the last and final time and we embrace...and go together...
into the heavens and back to the god that created us...
yet burned now togehter...
as muses and angels and water melting and snow falling...as trees swaying and sun coming down...she and I...together...now burned into one...as out bodies from tha time...release us...
and then in the distance..i gaze down to the late afternoon to see the boy watching the house burn to the ground and weep...
and her soul departs mine-- rips from mine..as violnet as every storm combined and diappears inot the heavens...into another body...perhaps into this lifetime-- only still the spell remains..until i feel her again --
now as another name...now as something found that was always missing...
now the final piece of my wanting...forever and ever wanting --something in this lifetime and never being able to grasp what it was...
it was her...it is -- him...
and then when i saw his picture...i saw those eyes...again...encased in a new body -- i knew it was her..
yes i knew it was my other soul-- my other half and my final piece...my own self...melted into her - him so long ago...
and indeed in this lifetime his name: is chrsitian...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>
woe to me... and pity to me...and i have endured and suffered for loving him...all these lifetimes...
many of which she-- he never surfaced...
a pain that could never be quelled nor medicated nor - simplified nor purified because as i have told you was born in purity...
and i think that perhaps you might recognize my tale...and although be perplexed as to the why - i recant it spefically to you..i think you will understand somehow..in the latter remmnants of your spirit-- in the wind -- watching as you were...while the two of us burned on that summers day-- your heart forever broken...
alexandria and I -- leaving you as we were - as we did -- so suddenly...and I'am sorry...
andnow make me regrets free and known here to you...
and if the utterances of words having meaning or weight-- or purpose -- here now in this future time...
time time--
a time that truly is forzen within...and for all intents and pruposes does not exist...
then I'am to say here that i'am sorry...
and that I loved you and do love you -- in a much more poetic and charmed and perhaps...less impassioned way than her...
but love none the less..
and perhaps...glancing over your notes here in this electronic space i believe that you are to understand my apology...
and would upon consideration- accept it - for the both of us...and that yes i loved you...
and that your kiss that lone lazy beautiful afternoon was one of the finest that i have had to endure...
yes -- I'am sorry and truly -- as i know anything know that it was you -- on that afternoon in the french countryside...
and Alexandria>>? now named in this lifetime-- Chrisitian..and i kirk...
yes - the two os us..having never met...but me always knowing i would see her again and perhaps you...yes..here we are..again...
so the mending of my heart and yours could be released and spoken and known...
He thinks me mad...for saying or knowing all of this -- today..but it is as real in my soul...and the breath upon my lips and the cold sky aboove...
Today...through the haze of medicines and pain and doubts of this life...it is Chrisitan - was who then Alexandria, a beuaty to her and now to him that transcends time...
and yet each night -- i whisper into the phone -- and yes he thinks me mad and perhaps is frightned by the ghosts i summon to him...
and i call to him and he at times seems to be residinghere with me in my bed and bosom and in the sheets and walls and the oxegen of the space...
Christian..holding power over me still...
and thinking me mad for whispering how deeply I'am in love -- still...from al the other times and bodies...and sunsets weve shared...christian -- will you ever rmemebr that we were born together - must die and be re-born togther foever...never released until we are once again burned back into god's arms...
christian my beloved and everything -- of course -- to say i love you-- has no consequnce...nevermore..
in this life but in know that somehwere you know...
somehwere in time...with the tears that stream down my cheeks...
the hands to my forhead everynight -- the torment of your absence...
in this lifetime -- his name -- her name -- is yes Christian...
and i awash in the pain -- and knowledge...of all the other lifetimes...
i call forth for ye - to remember me now...as an incantation and prayer..and whisper yet another night into the phone and medicate the body so that the spirit may be set free -- to come to you...on the wind...
yes as i have allready -- many times -- now -- in this time since we met again...
and I whisper -- vaugue -- yet pure...
"I love you...." and then lose conciousness...to arrive at your side...
forever....
K
Friday, January 25, 2008
christopher - dream
blue tuesday --
deep deep into sexual melancholy...
christopher...
sitting here -- thinking of you -- and doing my best to pull someone -- you another guy into my bed today or my life...
manhunt- website --
i tell EVTOP
">>>look --i want to wrap my hole around your cock --
you liked to get fucked ?
you want some of my cream??
i want to get fucked and suck cock -- get over here -
i wanna feel you squirt your jizz down my throat or up my ass..."
yes -- e mail sent -
but iam thinking of you --
another coast away....
wondering what you smell like or the heaven it would be to touch your lips or put my nose -- to your armpits -- and breathe in your smell --
perhaps lay my head -- down on your hard cock --
just rest there -- and gently kiss the shaft...of what i imagine to be such a beautiful piece --
yeah
yes...thats what I'am dreaming of today---right now -- you - me --
lost forever in the bed of lust and blue and melancholy and dreams...
sweet gay -- queer dreams of you and for you --
inspiring me to write and tell my stories - as if -- yes
I'am open again to the world -- because of you --
and yes
my heart-sick -- sick-closed off pain sick -- sickness
melts away in your presence...
maybe your too wise - for me -- or too gentle -
i can not say -- 5000 miles away from me --
but id like to know -- like to feel you maybe -- grinding above me as i place my tongue to your hole and rest it there -- tasting your hole --
kinda savoring - the cheeks of your ass....
and the power and secrets of you -- but only the ones youd like me to know...
every man - all of them taste different -
act different
different chemicals of sweat and purity and light -- and need and wanting and grace and masculinity and the sun --
the night
all coming together --
and you are new -- in my thoughts -- wondering -- how fresh you would be to me -- like going on forever like the warm wet streets of a golden city -- filled with love - and green and skies and rain and fucking holding you close and just being inside you -- resting there --
knowing you -- kising you --
you showing me all the needs you have --
and i saying -- and being powerful enough to rescue you from all of them - being able to fullfill your wants and needs and waking you up in the morning with a freshly made coffee - and fucking your hole again
- and making love -- if thats what you wanted -- or massaging you -- or kissing you befor you go off to work for your day...
maybe youd give me your load down my throat in the kitchen -- before you showered -- the night sweat of your balls like a cologne i cant get enough of ....which is unique only to you -- which i would crave all my days...and think to myself after the door closed and you had gone....
that i regret the minutes when we are apart...
and that i can't wait for your return...
yes all this --
and also the dream of me falling steadfast a sleep -- while perhaps you read or watch telelvision ....
and myself like a puppy that you love and/or care for --
resting my head gently upon your stomache and looking up to you -- and you stroking my hair and i falling in to bliss...
peaceful and free and safe and warm and comfortable and protected by you and your eyes....
and the rest of my days -- it could be like that for us ...
that a dream could come true - and the tired -- insane world would leave us alone to love one another...
it could be like that -- with you christopher....
id like that --
if it could be -- everynight - dreams of love and the golden bed -- of solitude -- of peace and warmth and light and love....
yeah i wanna try again - ill be open again...
my heart can mend again...
i can forgive again....
Spring...i think has made me insane again...
i dont know...
theres a pain or a birth -- and a birth of light -- and you are in front of it -- telling me to send it out and release it to the world ...
that i did a good job and that you understand...
yeah - id hope for everything with you -- and especially that youd undestand....
that youd know my value --
that youd treasure me and i the same to you --
isnt that the best two people can have -??
that they cherish the days together and are glad
that they found one another -- ?
id like to have that -- maybe yes -- with you --
that youd understand and love me even for my horrible twists and defects...and likewise i could do the same for you --
because we agreed to stick it out and stay --
no matter what for each other --
and i think -- i know you would --
my wish -- for you --for me
for us --
that you claim me as yours and yours alone -- and
that i may do the same with you and for you --
that i become yours - only --
and that you know this to be true -- and our truth -
together -- that i look into your eyes and feel security and warmth --
the warmth of your kindess and knowing...and i promise to give you the same -- always -- i promise that -- i swear that --
that there is no doubt that iam the guy for you and there really could never be another one in this lifetime --
and i the same to you and for you -- bound by an oath -- privately and publicly -- swearing and knowing to melt into one another alone at the end of the day...
yes one yet seperate....
one as a team and partners - yet having indivual identites and lives --
and I'd support you in whatever your hopes and dreams and desires are --
even if they are to perhaps explore another guy --
i think id feel safe to let you do that as long as you came back to me --
perhaps renewed and reassured - then that would be fine --
i could agree to that - i would never want you to be or feel trapped --
quite the opposite -- id want you to feel free --
safe -- together but independant to do what you need to do--
yeah -- its something like that -- thats my idea -- that at night i know id get into bed and commit the most sacred act -- i could -- laying down and falling a sleep into your arms -- or you into mine....
resting -- together -- in safety --
yeah -- like that --
heat and warmth -- all for you -- into you as you read this -- let my words be something good to you -- for you -- for hope and light -- this is my wish for you today...
i rise to the mount olympus -- and ask zues to bless us - and our union....
forever in peace and love --
i'll claim you - say the word - >>>>
but you likewise have to claim me -
yes --??
love always
Sean...
deep deep into sexual melancholy...
christopher...
sitting here -- thinking of you -- and doing my best to pull someone -- you another guy into my bed today or my life...
manhunt- website --
i tell EVTOP
">>>look --i want to wrap my hole around your cock --
you liked to get fucked ?
you want some of my cream??
i want to get fucked and suck cock -- get over here -
i wanna feel you squirt your jizz down my throat or up my ass..."
yes -- e mail sent -
but iam thinking of you --
another coast away....
wondering what you smell like or the heaven it would be to touch your lips or put my nose -- to your armpits -- and breathe in your smell --
perhaps lay my head -- down on your hard cock --
just rest there -- and gently kiss the shaft...of what i imagine to be such a beautiful piece --
yeah
yes...thats what I'am dreaming of today---right now -- you - me --
lost forever in the bed of lust and blue and melancholy and dreams...
sweet gay -- queer dreams of you and for you --
inspiring me to write and tell my stories - as if -- yes
I'am open again to the world -- because of you --
and yes
my heart-sick -- sick-closed off pain sick -- sickness
melts away in your presence...
maybe your too wise - for me -- or too gentle -
i can not say -- 5000 miles away from me --
but id like to know -- like to feel you maybe -- grinding above me as i place my tongue to your hole and rest it there -- tasting your hole --
kinda savoring - the cheeks of your ass....
and the power and secrets of you -- but only the ones youd like me to know...
every man - all of them taste different -
act different
different chemicals of sweat and purity and light -- and need and wanting and grace and masculinity and the sun --
the night
all coming together --
and you are new -- in my thoughts -- wondering -- how fresh you would be to me -- like going on forever like the warm wet streets of a golden city -- filled with love - and green and skies and rain and fucking holding you close and just being inside you -- resting there --
knowing you -- kising you --
you showing me all the needs you have --
and i saying -- and being powerful enough to rescue you from all of them - being able to fullfill your wants and needs and waking you up in the morning with a freshly made coffee - and fucking your hole again
- and making love -- if thats what you wanted -- or massaging you -- or kissing you befor you go off to work for your day...
maybe youd give me your load down my throat in the kitchen -- before you showered -- the night sweat of your balls like a cologne i cant get enough of ....which is unique only to you -- which i would crave all my days...and think to myself after the door closed and you had gone....
that i regret the minutes when we are apart...
and that i can't wait for your return...
yes all this --
and also the dream of me falling steadfast a sleep -- while perhaps you read or watch telelvision ....
and myself like a puppy that you love and/or care for --
resting my head gently upon your stomache and looking up to you -- and you stroking my hair and i falling in to bliss...
peaceful and free and safe and warm and comfortable and protected by you and your eyes....
and the rest of my days -- it could be like that for us ...
that a dream could come true - and the tired -- insane world would leave us alone to love one another...
it could be like that -- with you christopher....
id like that --
if it could be -- everynight - dreams of love and the golden bed -- of solitude -- of peace and warmth and light and love....
yeah i wanna try again - ill be open again...
my heart can mend again...
i can forgive again....
Spring...i think has made me insane again...
i dont know...
theres a pain or a birth -- and a birth of light -- and you are in front of it -- telling me to send it out and release it to the world ...
that i did a good job and that you understand...
yeah - id hope for everything with you -- and especially that youd undestand....
that youd know my value --
that youd treasure me and i the same to you --
isnt that the best two people can have -??
that they cherish the days together and are glad
that they found one another -- ?
id like to have that -- maybe yes -- with you --
that youd understand and love me even for my horrible twists and defects...and likewise i could do the same for you --
because we agreed to stick it out and stay --
no matter what for each other --
and i think -- i know you would --
my wish -- for you --for me
for us --
that you claim me as yours and yours alone -- and
that i may do the same with you and for you --
that i become yours - only --
and that you know this to be true -- and our truth -
together -- that i look into your eyes and feel security and warmth --
the warmth of your kindess and knowing...and i promise to give you the same -- always -- i promise that -- i swear that --
that there is no doubt that iam the guy for you and there really could never be another one in this lifetime --
and i the same to you and for you -- bound by an oath -- privately and publicly -- swearing and knowing to melt into one another alone at the end of the day...
yes one yet seperate....
one as a team and partners - yet having indivual identites and lives --
and I'd support you in whatever your hopes and dreams and desires are --
even if they are to perhaps explore another guy --
i think id feel safe to let you do that as long as you came back to me --
perhaps renewed and reassured - then that would be fine --
i could agree to that - i would never want you to be or feel trapped --
quite the opposite -- id want you to feel free --
safe -- together but independant to do what you need to do--
yeah -- its something like that -- thats my idea -- that at night i know id get into bed and commit the most sacred act -- i could -- laying down and falling a sleep into your arms -- or you into mine....
resting -- together -- in safety --
yeah -- like that --
heat and warmth -- all for you -- into you as you read this -- let my words be something good to you -- for you -- for hope and light -- this is my wish for you today...
i rise to the mount olympus -- and ask zues to bless us - and our union....
forever in peace and love --
i'll claim you - say the word - >>>>
but you likewise have to claim me -
yes --??
love always
Sean...
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Sean Bateman Nine
From: seanbateman9
Subject: Re:
Date: Sun Dec 02, 2007 06:19 PM
guys always want to get fucked by my cock - but its kinda rare i find an ass
i totally dig for rimming or fucking...
alot of pump and dumpps in porn theaters - and sexx clubs--
i fucked this guy in the porn shop that wieghted like 150 pounds over weight
- thru the G hole - he had such a nice warm hole - one to remember - same
for this younger rican street trick as wel...
i like public sexx - alot - viddeo parlours - and getting fucked by black
guys - and acting out rascist roles - this guy was like ""suck my
cock u
cracker --
iam gonna fuck that white hole - take my black nigger cock - !!
etc - that was awesome - this bro was like straight out of prison....mind
you - so fucking hot man - i have a sexx blog and write it all down :))
never been ina sling though - been to Lous old place and expose - like to
watch guys fuck also --
--------------------------------------------------
On Sun Dec 02, 2007 05:57 PM, TightEndNY wrote:
> yeah its always about chemistry
> we have great chemistry btween us and would want someone who's in synch
with
> us so i completely get it
> but sexually - what do you like?
>
> --------------------------------------------------
> On Sun Dec 02, 2007 05:54 PM, seanbateman9 wrote:
>
> believe it or not - ive never played with a couple -
> one on one or ah sexy clubbs etc -
>
> id prefer three or four or five - dunno jus never met the right geuys i
> gues -
Monday, November 05, 2007
hey bros...
Heres my you tube addy if you want to chk out all my sexy picks with plenty of sexy boys and boys kissing...and posing...
just go to:
www.youtube.com/gaybullet
and search my playlists...for all the hotness....
hotness...
peace and blessings...and all the "cream" you can handle....
SB
just go to:
www.youtube.com/gaybullet
and search my playlists...for all the hotness....
hotness...
peace and blessings...and all the "cream" you can handle....
SB
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Abercrombie Ass...
I was born up from the pain of our lust.....
I came from you and me and the center of all that is light and dark...the essence of power and masculinity...
and being so birthed as i was told - by renegade angels and defectors from "God" my purpose is firm...and I'am solid now and real...and I need not swear my allegance to my brethan...
my gay brothers who i will always hold in light...whom I will always protect and guide and love...
no I need not take a vow - nor chant words of any kind:
why ?
because it is my purpose - it is what I'am - the protector - the strentgh of eros...personaifed and solidified
and when I'am done and finsihed there will never again be a gay child harmed nor hurt again....
no - i will bring power to us all...in a way - and change everything....
yes - I want you to be strong and go forth and inspire....
it is your duty and mine - and so be it - that they attack
then by my spell - it will only make you strong and yet more powerful...
my disciples belong to me...take my hand....
and enter...the Temple....
come forth - brother...allow me to touch you...and hold you ...yes...take my hand....
I love you
The angels have sworm that I would be their masterpiece...
The masterpiece of angels...
I'am now - Alive...and I came here just for you....
love Sean dirk...
Abercrombie Ass...
I'am in virginia - driving across the country to the west coast...in my sexy hot - SRX Caddy mini-SUV...
I decide to take a break from driving...
I pull of the freeway --
in Fairfax - Virginai...
I'am at a very nice, exspensive mall - inside an Abercrombie and Fitch Store...
I have been working out everyday and look preety ripped and buffed...
I'am fit and look really good - I'am buying alot of things - over a thousand dollars worth of clothes...
there is some really sexy guy helping me -
Is he flirting or does he just want the sale??
I dunno---
suddenly...
the sales guy - for some reason knocks on the dressing room door and asks me if I need any help -- or how do the clothes look - >>>
I open the door -- I'am shirtless - and was just about to pull off my pants -- >>>
He hands me a pair of boxershorts - from the store and says:
"I thought youd look good in these-- you wanna try them on??"
he steps through the door into the small dressing room next to me...
the next thing i know - i see the guy has an errection - the store seems desserted almost- and for a minute i think to myself..."Oh my god - could I be so lucky to have sex with this bro ??
this - kinda straight-boy-hottie...in here ??"
sure enough - my cock begins to stir - my breathing becomes deeper - and my thoughts become foggy - my knees - shaking a little...
"Man you are so handsome..." the guy whispers and smiles and then looks behind us and checks the door - just cracked a bit...then he looks out in the main area of the dressing room and then closes the door and locks it from the inside...
then he plants an open mouth kiss - a deep tongue kiss - on my lips...
he is taller than me --- by about a head...he dives his tongue deep into my mouth -- like he hasnt kissed a guy since forever...like its water -- like he has to do it - wants to do it - is so absolutely turned on by me - my aura and my body and face...
kinda moaning...
pressing his cock against mine - holding my face with both of his hands and then pulling one away and then down to my cotch...
like an expert - perfectly - with one hand - he snaps open the top fly button of my jeans and then the other two buttons all in one motion...he slids his hand through and into the waist of my boxers and then he graps his fisted hand around the base of my cock...and squeezes it hard...
kinda bites my tongue and then falls to his knees...he lays his cheek onto my belly and pauses for a moment - and then breathes in the heavy musky scent of my crotch -- my boxers and then slids them off- to expose my totally throbbing member -- that kinda bounces a bit in his face...
he lloks down for a minute - like he just cant believe its all happening...
and then pulls the head of my cock into his mouth and as he does - as he begins to swallow it down to the shaft - to the balls and then he makes the sound...
hhmmmm
and moans again - pulling his own dick out and stroking it furiously --
then releases- his mouth and lips...
stands up - and kisses me more - a longer - sloppier tongue kiss and then looks into my eyes --
and whispers...as he presses our cocks together - waist to waist...
he whsipers- kinda begs - asks:
searches my eyes and then says:
"You wanna fuck me??"....kinda pleading...yeah begging...for it...
just then theres a loud - long knock on the door...
I came from you and me and the center of all that is light and dark...the essence of power and masculinity...
and being so birthed as i was told - by renegade angels and defectors from "God" my purpose is firm...and I'am solid now and real...and I need not swear my allegance to my brethan...
my gay brothers who i will always hold in light...whom I will always protect and guide and love...
no I need not take a vow - nor chant words of any kind:
why ?
because it is my purpose - it is what I'am - the protector - the strentgh of eros...personaifed and solidified
and when I'am done and finsihed there will never again be a gay child harmed nor hurt again....
no - i will bring power to us all...in a way - and change everything....
yes - I want you to be strong and go forth and inspire....
it is your duty and mine - and so be it - that they attack
then by my spell - it will only make you strong and yet more powerful...
my disciples belong to me...take my hand....
and enter...the Temple....
come forth - brother...allow me to touch you...and hold you ...yes...take my hand....
I love you
The angels have sworm that I would be their masterpiece...
The masterpiece of angels...
I'am now - Alive...and I came here just for you....
love Sean dirk...
Abercrombie Ass...
I'am in virginia - driving across the country to the west coast...in my sexy hot - SRX Caddy mini-SUV...
I decide to take a break from driving...
I pull of the freeway --
in Fairfax - Virginai...
I'am at a very nice, exspensive mall - inside an Abercrombie and Fitch Store...
I have been working out everyday and look preety ripped and buffed...
I'am fit and look really good - I'am buying alot of things - over a thousand dollars worth of clothes...
there is some really sexy guy helping me -
Is he flirting or does he just want the sale??
I dunno---
suddenly...
the sales guy - for some reason knocks on the dressing room door and asks me if I need any help -- or how do the clothes look - >>>
I open the door -- I'am shirtless - and was just about to pull off my pants -- >>>
He hands me a pair of boxershorts - from the store and says:
"I thought youd look good in these-- you wanna try them on??"
he steps through the door into the small dressing room next to me...
the next thing i know - i see the guy has an errection - the store seems desserted almost- and for a minute i think to myself..."Oh my god - could I be so lucky to have sex with this bro ??
this - kinda straight-boy-hottie...in here ??"
sure enough - my cock begins to stir - my breathing becomes deeper - and my thoughts become foggy - my knees - shaking a little...
"Man you are so handsome..." the guy whispers and smiles and then looks behind us and checks the door - just cracked a bit...then he looks out in the main area of the dressing room and then closes the door and locks it from the inside...
then he plants an open mouth kiss - a deep tongue kiss - on my lips...
he is taller than me --- by about a head...he dives his tongue deep into my mouth -- like he hasnt kissed a guy since forever...like its water -- like he has to do it - wants to do it - is so absolutely turned on by me - my aura and my body and face...
kinda moaning...
pressing his cock against mine - holding my face with both of his hands and then pulling one away and then down to my cotch...
like an expert - perfectly - with one hand - he snaps open the top fly button of my jeans and then the other two buttons all in one motion...he slids his hand through and into the waist of my boxers and then he graps his fisted hand around the base of my cock...and squeezes it hard...
kinda bites my tongue and then falls to his knees...he lays his cheek onto my belly and pauses for a moment - and then breathes in the heavy musky scent of my crotch -- my boxers and then slids them off- to expose my totally throbbing member -- that kinda bounces a bit in his face...
he lloks down for a minute - like he just cant believe its all happening...
and then pulls the head of my cock into his mouth and as he does - as he begins to swallow it down to the shaft - to the balls and then he makes the sound...
hhmmmm
and moans again - pulling his own dick out and stroking it furiously --
then releases- his mouth and lips...
stands up - and kisses me more - a longer - sloppier tongue kiss and then looks into my eyes --
and whispers...as he presses our cocks together - waist to waist...
he whsipers- kinda begs - asks:
searches my eyes and then says:
"You wanna fuck me??"....kinda pleading...yeah begging...for it...
just then theres a loud - long knock on the door...
mike knight - rough draft...
XXX - Adults only - Mike Knight - A rough draft...
Current mood: blah
Category: Dreams and the Supernatural
this bog is rated XXX
Adults only....over 18
if you are under 18
leave this page now
"Closer" by Nine Inch >>> Nails jan 07
you let me violate you, you let me desecrate you
you let me penetrate you, you let me complicate you
help me I broke apart my insides, help me I've got no soul to sell
help me the only thing that works for me, help me get away from myself
I want to fuck you like an animal
I want to feel you from the inside
I want to fuck you like an animal
my whole existence is flawed
you get me closer to god
some random thoughts and Mike Knight...
4-32am - crisp - clear - winter morning...
random snow, dusts the streets of manhattan...reminds me of god...or something...
yeah...its seems, these days -- that
the larger part of my day is forgetting -- or trying to remember whether or not i took my meds...
i laugh -- a kind of - sad - pitiful, doesn't it figure...sort of...laugh...
like, yeah -- the meds...
of course in this world -- youd need medicine to keep you alive...and of course, the medicine is killing you at the same time...
chemicals...this world is all ablout the "chemicals..."
the insanity and the intoxications and medications and the noise...
hey -- i dunno about you bro...
i finally figured it out: i lost my illusions -- ah, delusions of, well, that everything was going to be ok...
a long time ago...
>>>it's easier for me to remember: walk around with the concious knowledge that: no -- it's (((not))) gonna be "ok..."
it's gonna be all fucked up...
and your -- your gonna be, "all fucked up" and well,
were just gonna be here together...
all fucked up together....
all on this planet together...
all fucked up...
together...
>>>>>>>pain...psychic pain...
the more evolved you become...the harder your life is...bro..
and
maybe someday youll really know and understand the value of "pain" here...
but in the meantime: read on...
ever since i can remember...
life here, was about: fear...
perhaps - some of you reading this have had charmed lives...
like, your family didn't give a shit if you were a fag or not...
or maybe:
you grew up -- surrounded by security...and feelings of safety...
or something like love, mom making hot chocolate in the afternoons for you...maybe...
you got some warmth: somewhere...
feelings of safety...
ponder that for a moment...
maybe...
you had a good childhood - whatever that means...
it means...
like -- you didn't have someone trying to pull your pants down, like, every five minutes...
well, or trying to "off you" -- somehow...medicate you -- sedate you....ah, rape you.....((rape me!!...i love that song...and kurt cobain...for that matter...the good ones do -- die young right??)
maybe you...
grew up in some suburb where everything was so pretty and white and clean and good...
like "middle america"
thats a killer...right?
no.
well, it didn't happen here...
no, not for me -- that didn't happen...
childhood is a time of fear....plain and simple...and lets face it...your subjected to all the nuerosis' of the adults around you...just sucking it up and taking notes...so when you get to be in your 30s -- well youll be addicted to all the right things...and all the wrong things....right?
perefectly fucked up in a perfectly fucked up world...
with a royally messed up life...just trying to be...all, :ah, perfect....
a "normal" childhood...
i wasn't ever really normal and truth be told -- i don't think anyone is "normal..."
normal...
ponder that...
when i grew up "Normal" was actually a setting on a washing machine....
>>>normal, regular, average....the middle...
just like an average joe...like a gardener. just giving the garden and flowers and plants some love and keeping away the weeds...that would be like heaven, to me...
A "normal" childhood...
i didn't get that bros...this is wisdom: sometimes ya --just get- what you get....and you have to say...ok. this is what i got...
now what am i gonna do with it...???
instead of wishing your life away...wanting something else...right?
>>>>>when i grew up -- if u knew u were a fag then basically -- u just had two choices...live in the closet or move up to hollywood and live with the fags...: in something they called the: "gay ghetto..."
you could be like a hairdresser or like a faggy designer or something...and still be "out" as they say..but not like a fireman or something cool...like and still just be like a gay -- regular dude...you didn't have that choice...back then...
it was complicated and extremly: "Gender specific" and kinda like living in a hellish nightmare of limitations...
whatever...
really, i kinda, wanted to be something...legit...right?
like a journalist...
or like a human being, in a factory...??
or a gardener...
or Batmnan...
i would have been a great lawyer...
fuck yeah, i can argue my way out of evils spells thrown at me from three -- "macbeth"witches...
(i realize that last line was totally random...) i don't care, it kinda fits the mood i'am in right now...
totally random...
yeah, fuck yeah...
this is not a sad story: it's a confirmation that you can have your plan....right? and well "god" -- She -- has hers....
and once god has her plan set for you -- well then,
theres no getting out of your destiny...
>>>>
like I said..i wanted to be something that lived in the light...
but satan, or some renegade band of dark and powerful angels, or...
some "other" power that i can not access, nor fight, in this body, or this lifetime...right now, wanted something totally different...for me...
i've been called: "The masterpiece of angels..." but what kind of angels...???
hehee
subversion...blackness...
deviance...
darkness...
sensuality...
lust...light: in the trenches...yep: that was always my destiny...
always trying to climb up into the light...and always trying to fly...perhaps like: icarus...too close to the light and then...
light...
another light...the black-light....a light -- that...
the world doesn't recognize...
the
"screaming-running-down the--hallways...in pain, too bright --- too much....light..."
got that?
an otherworldly light...
the light that brings stares and excites the pleasure centers...and fuck no - it never mattered that my brain was bigger than theres...
no...
you were gonna become a sex object...!!!
hows that for karma??
yeah...no matter what the fuck you did...your whole life was gonna be about sex and what you did sexually...
why?
because...
thats your destiny...
ur destiny...ponder that for a minute...
the divine plan...yeah, sometimes, your "destiny" is:
to take a walk through hell...
escorted by demons...the whole way...
fighting the demons, and talking to the angels...
and just wanting to go back "Home" to "god"...
but no...look at my fucking body...look at my ass and big dick...
made for sex...i was...but love?
welcome to the pleasure dome...
>>>>>>>
my destiny: was/is to always be surrounded by heat...
too much hot..:: white, white, almost black, it's soo white...>>>
blinding sexual hot-white...crown chakra heat - hot -- white/bluish -- out of your body heat>>>>light...
right?
bathed and drowned in it...
thrown at me from every angle...
so much light...
and so many dark rooms....and so many angels...and so many people in the dark needing to be thrown into the light...
>>>>>>>>>>>>
the value of darkness and isolation...
light.
with so much of it - that -- it screams loud in your aura...
that no, your never gonna be a lawyer, or no - even a legitimate - fine artist...or anything -- like human, like that...
no...to just be like an artist and be all quiet and calm and painting somehwere and getting paid...
walking through hell in order for the universe to carve you into a sage....well, it doesn't pay very well...and really, can u put that on a resume...the pratical application is: well, it doesn't exist....
>>>>>>>>>>
a fine artist...
(i studied the greats for ten years and drew - fine art drawings and painted on a daily basis...)
everything i painted was black, and blue and red...
melancholy and rage....and i tried to get a career going in a gallery or something...i really worship rothko and all the abstract expressionists, for that matter...
wanted to be like them...just floating and psilling out color and emotion onto a canvas...and yeah get paid...and be respected or something...
but no...
i'd go to galleries...."will you look at my portfolio??"
"would you be interested in showing this??"
"seeing my work...??"
..>>>>>>>we wanna see your dick...and ah -- ass...
not your paintings....
>>>>now right now, people want to be valued for their minds--and intellects...
higher thought and maybe like: divine intelligence...
right ?
no.
not in this world or this life or this country...nope: thats not gonna happen...
the world wants big dick and big tits and ass...and bling, and cash...and big houses, and to just be jerked of...and entertained...by well, nothing...but they always want more...eye candy...but it doesn't feed your soul...and this why we are spinning toward our deaths and always want they fuck out...and taking out meds...because our sould need to be fed: and yeah -- we are all starving...
starving to fix an ache in our souls...
finally you realize...that people are all sucking off the same metaphorical...(is that a word?) cultural..."meth pipe" -- so to speak and no -- they can't even recognize you or what you are...
there are blind and can not see...and all they want to see if the next naked pic of your hole...right?
well ok then...u want hole...here is it...
the black hole of wanting...for ever and ever wanting and never even knowing what you want....
or what you need...
forever in a slumber of the shadows -- entranced...plugged into the "matrix..."
the world is a sleep....
they are a sleep plato's cave...
looking at the shadows - but never really seeing or touching the light...the light inside...
the light...
outside...
you try to tell them that love is not fear...or try to remove their shackles...their mental bondage:
well -- forget it...
you have to really just fucking throw them into the light and kinda burn them....
throw them into the pool of god...and give them their wake - up call...right??
>>>>
truly: if the "savior" of the planet or even your life...
walked right up to you...>>>even money says that: youd bludgeon him/her to death...right then and there....for healing you...
and for daring to give you love or the "real" version of it...which is of course, to wake you the fuck up...from your delicate, toxic slumber...of unconiousness....sp?
>>>do you like this painting of mine...all blue and muted and nice...???
i always wanted to be a porn star....
>>>>>>>>>>>>
finally, yeah i got something i wanted....
mr. sex object...yeah -- it does -- it turns me on...to know theres a thousand guys right now jerking off to pics of me in cyber-space...fuck yes!!!
hard bones everywhere loking at my pics...all the guys thinking what they would do with me and my big dick...and the pleasure we all could have...
sex object -- ponder that one...
sex object....
hey, don't feel sorry for me...
yeah i wanted to be a normal -- fucking dude, with a truck and ah like a girlfriend...and a dog..."c'mere, scruffy..."
but no...nope, as hard as i tried: everytime i looked at a guy -- i got a knot in my ass and a lump in my throat...and the only thing i wanted to do was fall to my knees and worship his light and masculinity and male beauty...and i love men, and the way they smell and feel and fuck me and kiss me...yep: in this world thats called: queer...man on man sex and love...
thats what your punished for...because your dick gets hard and your heart goes soft when you look at another guy...
punishment...
ponder that...
punished because of what you feel...
don't fell sorry for me....
sex object...
punishment....
feelings...
love....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>
ur destiny.....
i'am (just) saying that:
what we are, in this lifetime and in this particular incarnation...screams so loud that yeah...
i don't think we can change alot of it...most of it...all of it...???
look i shake hands with a guy: guess what?
the grin on my face says: "big dick here...bro... wanna see it?"
>>>it's in my aura...
thats my destiny...to make thousands of men happy...with my big dick...and finally i'am saying to myself -- ok -- allright then -- sure -- why not ??
ya know what...why the fuck not???
yep -- i'am and i admit it: i'am fucking walking porn....
porn...my dick arrives five minutes before i do...the sound of my voice and the way my body smells...like a fucking hot orgy locker --room...i swear, men would kill to get a whiff of my pits...my bros -- they come over just to smell my pits....
my pits: they ((always)) smell like: pure hot -- hercules...spartacus...
kinda warm/hot man funk sex....thats right...
it's in my aura, man...
it's even in my smell...
i was made to be gang banged...in a jock strap...one by one --on down the line...
i was created by gay renegade angels....
yep....
"The masterpeice of angels..."
???
had to be gay angels -- right...
i hate them for making me -- and i love them for making me...but they did make me, and well, here i'am...
I can't really die and i'am not sure how to live...
>>>>> life is funny and amusing if nothing else...
as they say:
life is a tragedy for those who feel and a comedy for those who think...or was that the other way around?
>>>
so, years ago -- carrying around my portfolio, and showing curators, and gallery owners my wares, i somehow -- always ended up in the basement, of said galleries, ah -- hearing the same thing: which was something akin to:
"yeah -- this would look alot better with your pants down..."
>>>>>>>>>>>
although -- one photo of mine was choosen to be in the "Curators choice" at the gay art foundation in nyc...
the permanent collection...ah...but,
ah, >>>>>>>>> it's a photo of my dick, of course....
>>>>>>>>
>>> I came from money...
thats funny - is it not...? that expression...
I came from money...
hahaaa
yep, sure did...
and everything was scrubbed and clean and new...and ah, well, cost alot of money...where i came from...
but no, that didn't mean i was happy....just because we had money...
happiness...
ponder that -"candyland" "molasses swamp" of logic for a moment..."Why aren't you "Happy""
no...sorry--->>>
money cant you love -- but...it does buy cocaine...and hustlers for that matter...so who cares???
money....
ponder that one -- for a minute...
if money weren't the issue....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
what money buys:
pause....
>>>>>>>>>>
new valium prescriptions for mom...of course...
and
seven new boats for dad...two pool boys, and three gardeners...and a full time mechanic...and ah -- one lonely, dark son -- in the corner writing poetry and ah..."Weird" stories...
but i was wearing "polo" blazers and khakis and cole haan loafers...right?
>>>my mother screams...
"Why can't you be like the other boys...((Damien)))" ???
they had a fucking -- little gay "witch" and budding "porn star" on their hands...
for chrissake...
the other boys...
yeah...so help me god this is true...
one afternoon...i lined them all up -- on the side yard of our house...and well, made all of them pull down their pants...
like in a "line up" and looked all their (adolescent) butts...to see which one i liked the best...
((i was 10 years old at that time...))
wow - a boy "dominatrixx" at age ten...
my poor mother....god bless her...the shit she had to put up with...like five phone calls from the other mothers, whoose kids came running home, crying:
"Sean made me pull down my pants...and he looked up my butt..."
hehehe
"mom, they liked it.. was all i could confess..."
yeah my poor mom...what do you do with a kid like that??
in like 1970...?
it got worse...
yep -- there i was...16 years old, writing "weird" ((sex)) stories and all glazed over in pain and fear and all that light...
the perfect "OC" shade of light emanating from my lost and far away -- "nobody home" glazed over -- glossed over stare, that the world craves in it's wounded and incested and ultra-wealthy-priveldged...youth...
>>>>>>>>>>>>fuck...more coffee...hang on...
ok I'am rambling...ah, i just woke up...
and ah - no...
i can't remember where I'am in my med course...
>>>>i think i'll take the --"Anti-Seizure" med right now...god forbid i should tell my doc that,...those little red pills get me so fucking high i can't even see straight,
...no i would never tell her that -- because if i did, of course she'd change it, and switch me to something else...
>>>>>>>>>
side effects...
ponder that one..for a minute...
you take a pill because you can't sleep...
>>>>>>> then you take a pill because you can't wake up...
and then you take a pill...because your going to die...and of course, the pill is actually killing you...
all the while -- it is saving your life....
ponder that...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>
the worst sin here, in this lifetime,, is to enjoy your life...
thats a fact, or to be free: and everyone wants to enjoy life and be free, and the minute that you hint at -- or let on that --
that maybe -->>>youve gotten close to that...to being "Free..."
well it's a dog-pile...
of all your closest sp? friends telling you -- to -- change everything...
or something...
yeah, theres something wrong with you...
and were going to find out what it is...and fix you....
because your living under the delusion that life might be worth living or that somehow you've escaped...
ponder the metaphor//allegory?
:of "plato's" cave story...for a minute...
>>>you free yourself and walk out into the light...
and then you return to tell all your kindreds -- that...
"hey - i got free and got away...from the chains -- in the cave and theres light out there...follow me...it's really cool out there - in the light and it's real...the "shadows..." on the cave walls are not real...they are indeed, just shadows..."
well, of course they are going to tear you limb from limb....
why ? because --- (((i love you...))) because they are so comfortble being ---trapped...
of course...trapped and limited: to fly is scary...
to be away from the "pack..." is frightning...
and this - >>>to be free: out there alone>>>
that is -- free and unlimited ---: is, to be a "god..."
here...
release them..they will not thank you -- no they won't...
tell them or try to set them free...and they surely will
pull you back into the cave and re-chain you to the wall...or medicate you so heavily that well, your not even going to be able to talk...enough to tell anyone the truth...
am i making sense...?
yet?
>>>stop making sence...sense...
>>>>>
>>>age 12 -- wrote a suicide note: got sent to a shrink...
>>>age 16 - wrote a love letter about my uncle...he was a marine, actually, blonde and blue eyed and buffed...
got sent to a shrink...
age 24 -- got sent away to an asylum..for admitting that i wanted to end my life...during a "Co-dependancy rehab..."
(in ah.. of all places...pennsylvania...) which is a whole nother sp? story...
age 27: all my friends were either dead or dying...
told a social worker i was in grief...and angry...
(a real --"blonde" suburban cunt...)
yeah -- >>>>> got sent to a shrink...
i dunno - life is like a series of...
(hey guess what?? i'am not in 20s anymore, so ---
i can make declarative statements, like that...now:
about "life" >>> ive got experience...and lived --alot -
i can say things like.."life is like this..."
yeah, sure can fucker...
ive all ready lived about ten lives...
ten lifetimes...
and yeah all ready been dead five times and had three major breakdowns...((ah, break-throughs...))
all in this tiny -- "on fire" with rage and funky -- ((sex- smell))
fucked up ((sex)) stories...embedded...in this:
my body -- my flesh>>>my blood-life-energy...aura..
and psyche body of mine -- now covered with 20 tats (and counting) to commorate the milestones of my lifehere...
no --
it doesn't seem "real" actually...seems all like a dream..
a wet dream - of course....
...but suffice to say...alot has happened and yeah...just like an old vampire..who wanders the material world for eons and eons...
ok? perhaps switching bodies or personaes on occasion...
well, i've seen it all -- yeah four times...bro...seen it all ...
yeah, every man in need, rich and poor:
looking up to me...on his knees...and deep into his soul...
and i (almost) always kiss them -- right before they suck my cock...and i say: i love you...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>
ok man, where was i???
i forgot what i was saying....
not that it mattered at all: but since your still reading this, hehee -- well, then i'll continue...on
now...
where were we?
feelings....i love you....
love....
yeah --
i don't really think i'am human...anymore...
and not quite a "god" yet: soo - then, what am i??
angels: "Please tell me what i'am and why you made me???"
>>>>>>>>>>>
my destiny: to be a god among mortals...something called the: "Bonerage"...a renegade angel....an "eolhim"...of sorts...
the shinning one...walking among the humans...because i see everything...
can see into men's souls and know there ache...
humans....
to be human...and have that ache...that nobody undertands...
and if you look into my eyes: you always know that i understand...thats what "hustlers" do...they take away the "ache..."
the ahce...
ponder that....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
everytime i acted like a "human" and did something perfectly logical...A plus B equaled C - in most cases...
yeah i got carted off to a shrink...
fucking shrinks bro...
oh -- you don't fit in...??? your not :normal...???
having trouble -- "fitting in..."
then i guess your going to the shrink...
wanna talk back? -- yeah, your going to the doctor...
wanna tell us how fucked we are...?
yeah
ah, guess what -- your getting medicated...
your getting some "treatment..." ah yeah, for your -- belligerence...
or your "curable" >>>>>...homosexuality...
or for your refusal to deform yourself...
and become -- "just like us..."
scared--- and trapped...
>>>>>>>>>>>>
normal....not normal...
"your not normal..." and not like -- "the other boys..."
>>>>>>>>>>your going to the shrink...
for the fact that your "Strange..." or different...or something ah---special..yeah we don't have time for anything that might wake us the fuck up and rouse up from our sleep - walking ((fucked - up -- nuerotic lives -- in pursuit of the material world...) lives....
and make us realize or confront anything : like : "God..."
>>>>>>>>>>>"your going to the shrink...
"it's for you own good..."
thats a riot!
i love that one....for your own good....
and yeah...:"Were trying to help you..."
ah, >>>>"we love you...."
"were trying to help you...."
>>>help me --
what? commit suicide???
god....
god -- something alive and pure and transforming...
something beautiful and fresh...
???
i dunno...
i was -- 12 years old and sitting in front of a lone candle...
with my eyes closed...
meditating:
even before i had read the teachings of Lao tszu...sp?
or about the taoist immortals...
or even the
"ascended masters" or a place called: shambala...
or nirvana...
or of:
jivanmukta's...or even of jinanis.. sp? or of the: bonerage or even the "Elohim..."
anyway...
row - row - row your boat...gentley down the stream...strange...
((just sit tight..here - i'll get to the raunchy "sex part" of the story...-- i promise...))
>>>>>>>
the shrink:
yeah - your going to the doctor, cuz theres something "wrong" with you...cuz...you don't fit in...
your going to the "Shrink..."
ponder that one...the "Shrink..."
hahaha! i'am laughing my ass off...right now --
ah, my head off -- my shrunken head....off, of course....
right off >>>>>>>>>>
"ok look at these ink blots and tell me what you see??"
>>>>>>>>>
the ink blots...
ink blots:
the first time i saw the ink blots...i laughed...
"are you fucking kidding me...???
"you want me to look at ink blots...?
i don't "see" anything...
i see ink...on a white piece of paper..."
>>>>>>>>>
talk about a fucked up way to get someone to conform...
conform...
to the worlds mental illness...
insanity...
menatal illness...take your meds...
>>>>>>yeah the world is mentally ill...
surprise...
yep.....
wake up...
yep...to the whole fucked up mess...
everyone is mentally ill...here...the world is mentally sick...
and all of it's systems are - ah, mentally ill...
and all of the governments are - ah, mentally ill...
and a world that pretends to be so full of "god" and good...and light >>>>
will actually kill and destroy anything that is really, like..."god...'
right?
and when they say: it's because "we love you"
...or
"do it for jesus..."
well, you get a whole nother idea of what the world calls...love...
and love here...in this reality...bro --
you dont, fucken want it...
trust me...
when someone says to you --"i love you..."
run the other way....
when they say that..."i love you...."
what they really mean is:
"i will do everything in my power to fucking kill you..."
and trap you...and maim you and ah, punish you...
>>>it means -- they hate you ---
"yeah, take your shit and get the fuck out...!!!"
how mant times have i heard that one...or said it myself...
yeah...
yeah -- man -- "i love you" -- man...
"love you -- mean it -- " heheee
it really means:
stay with me here, trapped as i 'am...and put on these handcuffs...and well die together, suffocating each other...one (toxic) day at a time...
i love you -- i promise....
right ?
>>>>>>>>>>>>
ah -- perspective...
no -- you can't....
>>>>one does not get the perspective --- my perspective...
on things, until yeah, you've roamed the heavens and the earth for eons, like a vampire...for - ever and have seen all the crimes; (of humanity) an of love and all the pain and fear...
and rage....that looks like love...
the entire world -- built on lies and rage and fear...and love:
but then -- boom: it all falls down ...breaks apart...and the center -- does not hold...
and once youve seen thnigs breaking apart...like your mind or your world...or your heart....breaking -- down
then you realize that humanity is basically: simply: totally:
mentally ill...or ah, just royally -- fucked up...
and dis-eased and toxic and well, ah, fucked up...bro...
and it will always be fucked up and no - it will never, ever be:
"not fucked up..."
is that clear enough for you...? doc...?
ink blots...
my doc to me:
"do you ever "see" things...ah, things that aren't there...?"
"well, ((ass-wipe)) how can i see them -- if there, -- not...ah, not "there" - doc??"
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
ink blots...
well...
what do i see? in this blob of ink??
-- on this piece of white paper...?
ok bro...i'll play the game...
because if i don't play your game then i'am---
"severely -- disturbed..." right?
then i'am: "manic and refuse to fit in...and somewhat --"depressed..." right??
"Depressed and severley disturbed..."
official diagnosis...
age 16 and ah -- age 26...and ah..."neurotic..." with "severe behavioral problems..." age 35...
"inability to accept "reality"...." age 40...
reality....: is.....
reality --
is bullshit...man...
and no your not gonna trap me ever again....in your giant -- human, mind-fuck -- a rama...pal...nope -- never again....
maybe it's time that you, doctor --
"take the meds...."
can't aqccept "reality"
but whoose reality are we talking about ??
the hellish one that -- your creating and sucking the world into ----- buying????
the greed is good, build bombs, buy things, rape me and send all the young -- beautiful boys to war...to get their heads blown off, you need to be medicated because your different, and not mr. hetero---consumer -- reality...bro-- ????
is that reality that i can't accept???
>>>>>if i'am the "devil" to a world that allows 12 year olds to be fucked by preists in the name of god...or loves and lives for violence...and ah, plastic surgery, and mindless entertainment...and toxic food...add to the list-- then ah yeah fuck yeah...i guess i'am the devil....
and pretty damm proud to be that...
the world's dark angel....
a demon to all the world's religious "right" who would slit my throat and sleep like a baby afterwards...saying amen...after the deed was done...
then yeah -- here i'am...telling the masses: hey guess what?
"god" is no where near a church...and hasn't been there -- >>>>>>>>>forever...
the messiah...means: the annointed one...
>>>>>>>>>
the habitrail of insanity...greed and rape...
reality...whoose reality???
>>>>>>>>>
your done...u white -- dead - inside, dinosuars...you stale fucking, putrid, wreeking of death, zombies....
on the air-waves...you will not rape my mind...nor my body, nor make me -- kneel to your "god" -- of fear....
and for this i will be torn -- limb from limb...>>>>>>>>
life begins at 40>>>>>>>>>>>>
age 40...i walk off the path...after my fifth near death experience...
i leave the world -- to it's own devices...i turn off the tv and sit alone....i go off:
the habitrail of insanity...
and into the jungle of nothingness...
into the cosmos of god...
and let the fuck go...and well, fall into the bowels of back rooms and sex clubs and emerge to become:
an angel to the lost --->>>>>
a porn star -- of sorts...
finally meeting my destiny...to help the soul-sick...
the lost children...commanding the elements...
fully aware of my power and light...
i emerge as:
a shaman....
a sexual shaman....no less....
life begins at 40...indeed...it does...
40
i awoke...roamed the heavens...and laying in a hospital bed...
watching a "portal" open up...as i was about to die....yep...
and boom...it all became clear....
enlightenment...
age 45...
clarity.........
((realizing everything was and is "bullshit"
((see "plato'plato"s cave...above"))
life is like:............
god is like....heaven is like...
i know what heaven is like...been there three times...
and twice to hell.....
decided to come back to earth....
ink blots----------->>>
what do you see???
ok Sean...
>>>>>>>>>now, look at these ink blots and tell me what you see....
ok...
ink blots...
"ok doc...what do i see ?"
I see: blood everywhere...
i see: insanity and pain...
I see: people who are dead and dying and have no souls...
I see: moeny and ah, dead people....
i see: a shrink that totally insane and quite (mentally) ill...
ah....
i see: fear.....
>>>>>>>>>>
"your son is deeply disturbed...i'am afraid...."
>>>>>>
what really happens when a budding - sarcastic, psychic, enlightened>>>16 year old budding homosexual with the soul of a sage and the dick of a porn star starts to realize:
"It's all bullshit...and ah, your just mad at me cuz well, i'am smarter than you..."
>>>>>
yeah ----
you can medicate me and my libido but really,
it's just going to incite me to become -- something even stronger and more powerful....
i'll just get stronger and louder and more powerful...and i'll get away....i'll run away, theres got to be someplace where i can shine and live and not fit in and hide all at the same time....
yeah...
manhattan....here i'am....
i'am not gonna die...i'll go back to earth and live -- because heaven won't take me and hell couldn't hold me....
it all just made me stronger....
they all tried to kill me -- i lay in a hospital bed, shrunken and dying...my skin peeling away, my light fading, but then -- my human life passed away....i began to shine...and my body grew strong again...the angels did not want me to go...
i was going to die...i was supposed to die...
i kinda did die -- and then was re-born....
>>>>>>>>>i didn't die....it all just made me stronger....
beautiful and powerful...and knowing...
>>>>>>>>>>>
"what ever doesn't kill you makes you stronger"
thank you -->>>...albert camus...
stronger ---
and well, smarter...and you, well, you doc??
your just gonna get more toxic...aren't you bro...???
see ya in hell...man...
with your ink blots...
>>>>>>>
go ahead and tell a doctor - a shrink when your 16 to go to hell....and, that you see blood, and insanity -- everywhere...
in a series of ink blots....(hehehe) fuck him...
blood and murder and rape...everywhere...
>>>>>deeply disturbed...???
yeah -- yes i'am...and why aren't you ??
deeply disturbed....
((have you watched the 6 o clock news lately....?))
my first shrink...
like i said: fuck him....
what a sick fuck he was -- bad breath and bad dandruff and all..fuck him -- twice...yep...
probably shaking the priests hand at communion on sunday, just before he greased up his cock to slid it into a line up of chior boys...yeah baby ...taking it up the ass --
for "jesus" -- of course...
and then going home and jacking off to porn imported from Sweden, the kind with 12 year olds in it...
((this was before the internet...when you actually had to "buy" porn....right?
when it was an actual...magazine...))
anyway...
sex object..........
>>>yeah i got caught having sex with the gardner...
and the pool boys and ah, the mechanic...and ah yeah,
my uncle...
oops - thats not supposed to happen...right?
sucking off -- the staff...the butler and the chauffuers and the
guy that brings the flowers every week...
16 years old...all ready -- almost? a sex addict...
or a sex god -- or just a god -- or something...knowing and full of rage and -- genius...and a pretty twisted sense of reality...
to the maid:
"if you don't leave me alone...i'll tie you up and put you in the closet....ok man -- no fuck off...and get out..."
actually -- i really liked her.......
16 going on 17...(an empty page that men will want to write on...)
my vocabulary was like that of a college professor...
where is he learning those words???
(((we need a dictionary to talk to our son....)))
yeah -- i was smarter than them -- than all of them...
and they didn't like that...
like i said: fuck them....
the smirk on my face always said the same thing:
"fuck you...i'am smarter than you are..."
"your pathetic and your life is pathetic..as well..."
"your insignificant and i'am insignificant and none of this really matters..."
go ahead, tell your shrink that, when your 16 years old....
and see what the fuck happens//>>>>>>> tell the truth and get the punishment...just like jesus...
"I'am afraid...your son is: deeply disturbed..."
>>>>>>>>>>the truth...
they will try to wear you down: into submitting to their will...
into being "Toxified" and terrified..and full of fear...and just as fucked up and neurotic as them...
doing exactly to your kids what you had done to you...
right...???
and so it goes...
16 years old and trapped in the 70s...
16 going on 17...((innocent as a rose...totallly unprepared am i to face a world of --- men....)) wicked grin...(sound of music...)
16...going on 17...
i got my drivers license and went straight to hollywood boulevard...to see the prositutes...yep - sure did...
16 going on 99...
one side of my psyche...full of wanton - and unapologetic...
butt-fuking lust and wanting...
the other: pocessing the eyes that have seen god...
and enlightened...
seen god: of course...five times now...and yeah always...
"near death..."
what is life?: if not a long -- near-death...experience...
???
>>>>>>>>>>>>
mike knight...
the perfect example of what happens when you become adjusted, well adjusted to a sick society, no, thats not a judgment call, just a statement of fact...
he was the epitome...of:
the mask of (in)sanity...
so to speak...
they got to mike and yep -- they mind-fucked poor mike...
mike knight...senior vp -- for global investment...raking in around a mill a year...he was perfect...he was:
the perfect looking man, with the perfect apartment, and the perfect hair-do...and the perfect wardrobe...
and the perfect ass...for that matter...and as destiny would have it: me and mr. mike would meet, one evening...late...very late...on the street...a date with destiny...
the dark angel and mr perfect...
nobody gets to me by mistake...no - they don't - you cross my path:
it means your entire existence is going to be transformed...
ut means your ready to be set free: thats what i'am and thats what i do...your own personal "sin eater..."
mike knight...: the absolute epitome of everything this world respects and worships...
he was about to confront his other side...
his mask was about to break off -- bit by bit and piece by piece...
mike knight -- perfect in every way...
he had everything - he had it all...except his soul...
there was nowhere for mike to go...except to his knees, in front of me...
"you wanna come upstairs?" he asks me on the street...and smiles a perfect smile...
"ahh.. yeah sure..." i smile....kind of innocent...yeah - and coy....fuck yeah..."sure..." ((i was low on blood anyway...)
"yeah sure..." wink -- wink...
mike knight: i'am sure to him i was just another -- "rough trick" hed use up -- suck the life out of and then discard and throw away....
heheee..........no not this time...
in manhttan @ 4-20am on the street you never know who your dealing with....right?
we walk into the door...
of his perfect apartment...with the perfect dog - of course, and the perfect couch...and the perfect hallway, with too much light...and pulls out a vile...of white powder and graces the perfect marble counter with a perfect line and well, perfectly sucks it up his nose...a satisfied grin on his face looking at me like -- i'am some kind of appetizer at nobu...that he will soon eat and then forget....
to the ultra-rich -- you are something to be amused by and played with for awhile...i know this first hand...trust me...
>>>>the mask of sanity....
ponder that one...
>>>>>>>>>>
i could always see into people's souls...
or see through -- their mask's...and had no problem telling them what i saw....
"take your meds..."
yeah...right...
seeing into men's souls....@ 4am in midtown manhattan....
knowing --- the curse off "knowing..."
my other curse is: (of course) is:
to be the proud owner of an exxtra thiick 8 inch dick, of course...waving it all around in everyone's face...and saying...: you can't have it...bro...
well, maybe...
maybe -- hehee
you can suck it..and maybe you can even fuck me...
yeah, you can have my ass,
but ah..well:
youll never have "me"....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
pause...mike knight...
the masks we wear...
the one thats says we are pure and innocent and full of light...
innocent -- : the "good" one...
thats the mask - mike knight was wearing the night we met....
but i saw through it -- because -- i loved him....
i looked beyond the moeny and the apartment...andhis million dollar smile...and saw what was really there...what was really behind his cocaine addiction and sex addiction and fear and ambition...and success...panic, and rage and fear...
>>>>>>help me....
this is why i'am a "god" here...in this reality --
because i know that money is not going to fix it...
boy do i know that...
if i don't know anything, i sure do -- know that...
any really -- nobody else can see that -->>>>>>>>
the world can't see that -- but i can...
when people see a piece of paper framed on the wall..or a red tie and white shirt and a blue blazer, they think: money and money in america means -- good...and sanity...
and god and "right..."
and if your a shrink then of course, your mentally healthy -- right? i mean you must be...right?
like i said: fuck him and fuck them all....
those toxic -- sick fuckers...who murder and steal money and fuck 12 year old boys...and call themselves "god..." and good...
i know them and what they are...
>>>>>
we all could have saved alot of time if my mother would have gone to the shrink and dealt with her own homophobia...
but thats a whole nother therapy session....
pause...
right??
sorry -- that was the 70s...
back then: oh...your a fag?
yeah -- back then -- if you were dumb enough, to admit or ah, get caught...ah, doing it....with the pool boy...add to the list :
then yeah --
you were considered: "mentally ill..."
"your going to sunday school...your going to bible camp...your going to church..."
connect the dots...
thats right -- >>>singing in the chior...
i was the favorite - in the choir...of course...
for jesus....amen...
thats a good boy...yeah -- just like that...good boy...for jesus...
>>>>>>>>>>>>
the mask of sanity...
google that and youll get some interesting reading...
the mask...
you can be a murderer - in this country -- or even be a high level ranking military officer or senator or whatever...
but as long as you go on Tv and say: "I didn't -- do it..."
and your wearing a brook's brother suit...
well...
as long as you look innocent in america...
then you are innocent...
as long as you face is white: of course...
and you have the money to hire the right lawyers then...
yes !
fuck yes...your innocent and ah, "Good"
right ...??
((come to think of it -- oj's face is not white...))
anyway...
>>>>>>>>>>
the mask of sanity...or having fun when you've got alot of money and how to break the law...and get away with it...
>>>there couldn't possibly be anything sinister happening in a church -- it's a house of: god....
right?
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
god and money: the things of this world...
money...
the rich are innocent....
and as we all know --- they never lie...(they never have gay sons either - for that matter...)
presits never fuck 14 year old boys and --
god is money and -- money is god...if and if have money then your good and god...and if your in the church your good and god...
yeah....ok...
love is hate and hate is love...and the meds your taking are going to kill you faster than the original dis-ease...
that really, you never had in the first place...
but how else were we going to get you addicted to all --
all the ((pretty) meds ((with pretty sounding names))
and all the side effects...
and siphon...sp? off
your lifeforce...
and basically kill you...
pause...
for money -- of course...
in the name of jesus...of course -- amen...
and
god bless america....
rape me....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
what is god???
god is gentle...
god is creative...
god doesn't murder...does he? does she?
or is god just an energy -- raging and perfect and surging...
and everything..the love and the kindness and the murder and earth and blood and sky and blue flowers...
and light snow coating the basket ball court across the street from my apartment in hells kitchen???
????
emanations of light...
projections of light...
transforming...light...
particles of light...
we are....
light....
like a movie projector...projecting light...and manifesting bodies...to ah, explore, on the material planes...
and yeah we love blood and violence and drama...and death and dis-ease....
right?
because if we didn't then we wouldn't create so much of it...and then broadcast it 24 hours a day...
on the TV....yep...inter-s-pursed with a million drug commercials...
telling you that there is something wrong with you...
of course...serving up the dis-ease of the hour....
here bro: here is the dis-ease of the day
...and:
heres the cure...by the way...
just ask you doctor...
who, really is not a doctor at all but actually --
more like a drug pusher....
or a great salesman...
cashing in on your un-happiness...and dis-ease...however it manifests....
not happy???
ah -- we need to medicate you and your pain....
and make you "happy..." cuz if your not "Happy..." then something is wrong...
right?
>>>>>>>>>
particles of light...
quantum mechanics...
there is an infinite amount of outcomes...
at any given minute...all played out...into a million different realities...just take you pick....
the psychic -- multiplex...cinema of the mind and light and shadow....
fuck i think i took my meds twice.....
>>>>>>>>>>>
particles of light...
we are all, just particles of light...
a giant tv screen, of particles...
of lap top -- desk top, sequences of numbers that light up in a certain way...and well. kind of -- walk around...amnifesting bodies as that light...
we are particles of light...
simple molecules....of light...of god...
of energy....
of love....?
>>>everything breakdown to particles...
and guess what - when you break down the particles and look inside them - they are basically -- nothing...
we are basically nothing...
but vapors of light...
yeah kinda like -- no -- just like - that --- in the "matrix..." movies...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>we are numbers...on a key-board...a giant "Simms" program...particles of energy, beign directed by a supreme being or not...programs...or programmed....to do something....and yeah, theres no getting out of your destiny...
is there?
check out...the myth of sysphiis... sp?
if everything is pre-destined...then why live at all...?
it should be noted here that the so called: "Existentialists" all committed suicide....btw...well most of them...like albert camus...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>
mike knight...and the pleasure model...
one of the most toxic people i have encountered...yeah...
and yeah he had a big dick also and a hot ass...which he shoved a "bump" of coke into -- in the bathroom...right after he found his black jock strap...in the pile of dirty clothes...
in a closet full of "thomas pink" -- ((350.00$) shirts and "Armani" 2000.00$ dollar suits...
mr. knight was a high level...banking executive...there he was -- 4am -- ass in the air...a bump of coke up his ass and a bottle of poppers to his nose...ready to get fucked...in his 2500.oo dollar a mont apartment...and there i was...
a kind of gay...dirty harry...shaman...hustler...doctor of the soul...ready to take mr. knight down to the bowels of hell and take his demons...out and bring him face to face with them...
yeah...hey guess what...i'am gonna show you your own self --hatred...and i'am gonna do it -- with my dick up your ass...and while i'am fucking you...i'am gonna make you cry --
by asking you...
"Tell me how much you fucking hate yourself...to be getting fucked like a pig...on the floor...you are so beautiful...and look at yourself...why are you trying to destroy yourself...you have everything but you have nothing -- do you bro? your just a scared little boy that wants to get fucked by daddy...well, here i'am...say it-- : fucker...I wanna hear you say how much you hate yourself...!!! (i'am fucking him harder now as i yell that at him...)) say it fuck head...you want my load...? is that what you want...? bare-backing at 5am -- all high on coke....gonna go to the office in three hours and put together another banking deal...that will make sure people like you get more and more and that people like me will get less and less? is that it fucker??
i wanna hear you say that i'am your god...and that my dick..is your god and that you worship the ground i walk on..."
and that you hate yourself...because you need me...and my darkness..."
the guy broke...while i was fucking him and began to cry...and the two worlds met...crashing together...the two personaes...collided...the one that wore the black jock strap and the one that wore the 350.00 dollar shirt...and his insanity cracked and his mask feel to the floor...
wake up...
he was sobbing...and i loved him....for that ..
yeah to do that for him...
give him "therapy" like that....
pull off his shackles and yank him into the light -- out of platos cave - like that...
(((clear mind and clean body...)))
i cant shake that bro...
of all the guys ive done things for: mike knight...
there was something about him...
i dunno...
i'am the transformer...basically thats my job here...
to simply transform things...
like your mind, like other people's thoughts, and maybe even the world...i dunno...
morpheus...
maybe i'am -- something like,
"the one..."
i certainty was: "the one..." for mike knight...
his "transformer..." thats for sure...
yep. after me -- he'd never be the same...again...
wasn't the kindest -- "wake up" "call" i ever did,
but ah...you fit the "medicine" to the patient...right?
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
more coffee - and fuck i think no -- i'am sure that
i took my "anti-seizure" meds twice...
well one thing is for sure today...
i def, will not have a seizure....
today...
right ?
hold that thought....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
your a special case.....
i love that expression...
"special case..."
ponder that one for a minute....
mike knight was a special case...
and what a hole he had...awesome...
one of the finest...and yeah he asked for it so i gave it to him...a hot thiick creamy load up his ass...
"descent into madness..."
heheee....
being a "dark-angel" is a dirty business, but yeah somebody has got to do it...and that would be me...thats my destiny....
destiny....
ponder that one...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>born to die and dying to be re-born...
full of dis-ease...when dis-ease is not really, real...
miracles....
if your dis-ease disappears..then it's called: a miracle...
right?
but what if you simply -- just realized that all dis-ease isn't real...and that "god" was everywhere...
and that yeah...everything was -- "beautiful..."
then what??
and that even the darkness was god...
and that "god" was the darkness...
not the darkness alone -- but yeah was also -- the darkness and that pain was beautiful...
and too much light can kill you...
yep, it sure can bro...
it's killing you right now...and you don't even know it...
it was killing mike knight...but i saved his soul....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
a breakdown...
so really now - what is a "breakdown" except your inability to continue to "fit in" to a mentally ill system...
a rejection of all the suppressions...
>>>>>>>>
and yeah, what if:
you just let it all -- come "out"
finally...
yeah go ahead...let it all out...and bled off the pressure...
thats right baby...just let it out...
and i'am gonna hold you while you do it...right here, in my arms, i'am gonna give you "love..." real love...
yeah it hurts to know that someone loves you -- doesn't it?
pain feels good because were used to it..but love -- real love...when someone gives it to you...fuck shit oh my god...
it hurts...
like oxygen...to the suffocating...you breathe...
for the first time...and realize...you've been a sleep -- all this time....
a new heaven on earth --- so to speak....
and yeah -- welcome...to the "real" world....
>>>>>>>>>
the real world...ponder that one....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
the first rule of becoming and being immortal:
or having eternal life:
first you have to die...
ponder that one....
and by the way...
i love you....
XXX - Adults only - Mike Knight - A rough draft...
Current mood: blah
Category: Dreams and the Supernatural
this bog is rated XXX
Adults only....over 18
if you are under 18
leave this page now
"Closer" by Nine Inch >>> Nails jan 07
you let me violate you, you let me desecrate you
you let me penetrate you, you let me complicate you
help me I broke apart my insides, help me I've got no soul to sell
help me the only thing that works for me, help me get away from myself
I want to fuck you like an animal
I want to feel you from the inside
I want to fuck you like an animal
my whole existence is flawed
you get me closer to god
some random thoughts and Mike Knight...
4-32am - crisp - clear - winter morning...
random snow, dusts the streets of manhattan...reminds me of god...or something...
yeah...its seems, these days -- that
the larger part of my day is forgetting -- or trying to remember whether or not i took my meds...
i laugh -- a kind of - sad - pitiful, doesn't it figure...sort of...laugh...
like, yeah -- the meds...
of course in this world -- youd need medicine to keep you alive...and of course, the medicine is killing you at the same time...
chemicals...this world is all ablout the "chemicals..."
the insanity and the intoxications and medications and the noise...
hey -- i dunno about you bro...
i finally figured it out: i lost my illusions -- ah, delusions of, well, that everything was going to be ok...
a long time ago...
>>>it's easier for me to remember: walk around with the concious knowledge that: no -- it's (((not))) gonna be "ok..."
it's gonna be all fucked up...
and your -- your gonna be, "all fucked up" and well,
were just gonna be here together...
all fucked up together....
all on this planet together...
all fucked up...
together...
>>>>>>>pain...psychic pain...
the more evolved you become...the harder your life is...bro..
and
maybe someday youll really know and understand the value of "pain" here...
but in the meantime: read on...
ever since i can remember...
life here, was about: fear...
perhaps - some of you reading this have had charmed lives...
like, your family didn't give a shit if you were a fag or not...
or maybe:
you grew up -- surrounded by security...and feelings of safety...
or something like love, mom making hot chocolate in the afternoons for you...maybe...
you got some warmth: somewhere...
feelings of safety...
ponder that for a moment...
maybe...
you had a good childhood - whatever that means...
it means...
like -- you didn't have someone trying to pull your pants down, like, every five minutes...
well, or trying to "off you" -- somehow...medicate you -- sedate you....ah, rape you.....((rape me!!...i love that song...and kurt cobain...for that matter...the good ones do -- die young right??)
maybe you...
grew up in some suburb where everything was so pretty and white and clean and good...
like "middle america"
thats a killer...right?
no.
well, it didn't happen here...
no, not for me -- that didn't happen...
childhood is a time of fear....plain and simple...and lets face it...your subjected to all the nuerosis' of the adults around you...just sucking it up and taking notes...so when you get to be in your 30s -- well youll be addicted to all the right things...and all the wrong things....right?
perefectly fucked up in a perfectly fucked up world...
with a royally messed up life...just trying to be...all, :ah, perfect....
a "normal" childhood...
i wasn't ever really normal and truth be told -- i don't think anyone is "normal..."
normal...
ponder that...
when i grew up "Normal" was actually a setting on a washing machine....
>>>normal, regular, average....the middle...
just like an average joe...like a gardener. just giving the garden and flowers and plants some love and keeping away the weeds...that would be like heaven, to me...
A "normal" childhood...
i didn't get that bros...this is wisdom: sometimes ya --just get- what you get....and you have to say...ok. this is what i got...
now what am i gonna do with it...???
instead of wishing your life away...wanting something else...right?
>>>>>when i grew up -- if u knew u were a fag then basically -- u just had two choices...live in the closet or move up to hollywood and live with the fags...: in something they called the: "gay ghetto..."
you could be like a hairdresser or like a faggy designer or something...and still be "out" as they say..but not like a fireman or something cool...like and still just be like a gay -- regular dude...you didn't have that choice...back then...
it was complicated and extremly: "Gender specific" and kinda like living in a hellish nightmare of limitations...
whatever...
really, i kinda, wanted to be something...legit...right?
like a journalist...
or like a human being, in a factory...??
or a gardener...
or Batmnan...
i would have been a great lawyer...
fuck yeah, i can argue my way out of evils spells thrown at me from three -- "macbeth"witches...
(i realize that last line was totally random...) i don't care, it kinda fits the mood i'am in right now...
totally random...
yeah, fuck yeah...
this is not a sad story: it's a confirmation that you can have your plan....right? and well "god" -- She -- has hers....
and once god has her plan set for you -- well then,
theres no getting out of your destiny...
>>>>
like I said..i wanted to be something that lived in the light...
but satan, or some renegade band of dark and powerful angels, or...
some "other" power that i can not access, nor fight, in this body, or this lifetime...right now, wanted something totally different...for me...
i've been called: "The masterpiece of angels..." but what kind of angels...???
hehee
subversion...blackness...
deviance...
darkness...
sensuality...
lust...light: in the trenches...yep: that was always my destiny...
always trying to climb up into the light...and always trying to fly...perhaps like: icarus...too close to the light and then...
light...
another light...the black-light....a light -- that...
the world doesn't recognize...
the
"screaming-running-down the--hallways...in pain, too bright --- too much....light..."
got that?
an otherworldly light...
the light that brings stares and excites the pleasure centers...and fuck no - it never mattered that my brain was bigger than theres...
no...
you were gonna become a sex object...!!!
hows that for karma??
yeah...no matter what the fuck you did...your whole life was gonna be about sex and what you did sexually...
why?
because...
thats your destiny...
ur destiny...ponder that for a minute...
the divine plan...yeah, sometimes, your "destiny" is:
to take a walk through hell...
escorted by demons...the whole way...
fighting the demons, and talking to the angels...
and just wanting to go back "Home" to "god"...
but no...look at my fucking body...look at my ass and big dick...
made for sex...i was...but love?
welcome to the pleasure dome...
>>>>>>>
my destiny: was/is to always be surrounded by heat...
too much hot..:: white, white, almost black, it's soo white...>>>
blinding sexual hot-white...crown chakra heat - hot -- white/bluish -- out of your body heat>>>>light...
right?
bathed and drowned in it...
thrown at me from every angle...
so much light...
and so many dark rooms....and so many angels...and so many people in the dark needing to be thrown into the light...
>>>>>>>>>>>>
the value of darkness and isolation...
light.
with so much of it - that -- it screams loud in your aura...
that no, your never gonna be a lawyer, or no - even a legitimate - fine artist...or anything -- like human, like that...
no...to just be like an artist and be all quiet and calm and painting somehwere and getting paid...
walking through hell in order for the universe to carve you into a sage....well, it doesn't pay very well...and really, can u put that on a resume...the pratical application is: well, it doesn't exist....
>>>>>>>>>>
a fine artist...
(i studied the greats for ten years and drew - fine art drawings and painted on a daily basis...)
everything i painted was black, and blue and red...
melancholy and rage....and i tried to get a career going in a gallery or something...i really worship rothko and all the abstract expressionists, for that matter...
wanted to be like them...just floating and psilling out color and emotion onto a canvas...and yeah get paid...and be respected or something...
but no...
i'd go to galleries...."will you look at my portfolio??"
"would you be interested in showing this??"
"seeing my work...??"
..>>>>>>>we wanna see your dick...and ah -- ass...
not your paintings....
>>>>now right now, people want to be valued for their minds--and intellects...
higher thought and maybe like: divine intelligence...
right ?
no.
not in this world or this life or this country...nope: thats not gonna happen...
the world wants big dick and big tits and ass...and bling, and cash...and big houses, and to just be jerked of...and entertained...by well, nothing...but they always want more...eye candy...but it doesn't feed your soul...and this why we are spinning toward our deaths and always want they fuck out...and taking out meds...because our sould need to be fed: and yeah -- we are all starving...
starving to fix an ache in our souls...
finally you realize...that people are all sucking off the same metaphorical...(is that a word?) cultural..."meth pipe" -- so to speak and no -- they can't even recognize you or what you are...
there are blind and can not see...and all they want to see if the next naked pic of your hole...right?
well ok then...u want hole...here is it...
the black hole of wanting...for ever and ever wanting and never even knowing what you want....
or what you need...
forever in a slumber of the shadows -- entranced...plugged into the "matrix..."
the world is a sleep....
they are a sleep plato's cave...
looking at the shadows - but never really seeing or touching the light...the light inside...
the light...
outside...
you try to tell them that love is not fear...or try to remove their shackles...their mental bondage:
well -- forget it...
you have to really just fucking throw them into the light and kinda burn them....
throw them into the pool of god...and give them their wake - up call...right??
>>>>
truly: if the "savior" of the planet or even your life...
walked right up to you...>>>even money says that: youd bludgeon him/her to death...right then and there....for healing you...
and for daring to give you love or the "real" version of it...which is of course, to wake you the fuck up...from your delicate, toxic slumber...of unconiousness....sp?
>>>do you like this painting of mine...all blue and muted and nice...???
i always wanted to be a porn star....
>>>>>>>>>>>>
finally, yeah i got something i wanted....
mr. sex object...yeah -- it does -- it turns me on...to know theres a thousand guys right now jerking off to pics of me in cyber-space...fuck yes!!!
hard bones everywhere loking at my pics...all the guys thinking what they would do with me and my big dick...and the pleasure we all could have...
sex object -- ponder that one...
sex object....
hey, don't feel sorry for me...
yeah i wanted to be a normal -- fucking dude, with a truck and ah like a girlfriend...and a dog..."c'mere, scruffy..."
but no...nope, as hard as i tried: everytime i looked at a guy -- i got a knot in my ass and a lump in my throat...and the only thing i wanted to do was fall to my knees and worship his light and masculinity and male beauty...and i love men, and the way they smell and feel and fuck me and kiss me...yep: in this world thats called: queer...man on man sex and love...
thats what your punished for...because your dick gets hard and your heart goes soft when you look at another guy...
punishment...
ponder that...
punished because of what you feel...
don't fell sorry for me....
sex object...
punishment....
feelings...
love....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>
ur destiny.....
i'am (just) saying that:
what we are, in this lifetime and in this particular incarnation...screams so loud that yeah...
i don't think we can change alot of it...most of it...all of it...???
look i shake hands with a guy: guess what?
the grin on my face says: "big dick here...bro... wanna see it?"
>>>it's in my aura...
thats my destiny...to make thousands of men happy...with my big dick...and finally i'am saying to myself -- ok -- allright then -- sure -- why not ??
ya know what...why the fuck not???
yep -- i'am and i admit it: i'am fucking walking porn....
porn...my dick arrives five minutes before i do...the sound of my voice and the way my body smells...like a fucking hot orgy locker --room...i swear, men would kill to get a whiff of my pits...my bros -- they come over just to smell my pits....
my pits: they ((always)) smell like: pure hot -- hercules...spartacus...
kinda warm/hot man funk sex....thats right...
it's in my aura, man...
it's even in my smell...
i was made to be gang banged...in a jock strap...one by one --on down the line...
i was created by gay renegade angels....
yep....
"The masterpeice of angels..."
???
had to be gay angels -- right...
i hate them for making me -- and i love them for making me...but they did make me, and well, here i'am...
I can't really die and i'am not sure how to live...
>>>>> life is funny and amusing if nothing else...
as they say:
life is a tragedy for those who feel and a comedy for those who think...or was that the other way around?
>>>
so, years ago -- carrying around my portfolio, and showing curators, and gallery owners my wares, i somehow -- always ended up in the basement, of said galleries, ah -- hearing the same thing: which was something akin to:
"yeah -- this would look alot better with your pants down..."
>>>>>>>>>>>
although -- one photo of mine was choosen to be in the "Curators choice" at the gay art foundation in nyc...
the permanent collection...ah...but,
ah, >>>>>>>>> it's a photo of my dick, of course....
>>>>>>>>
>>> I came from money...
thats funny - is it not...? that expression...
I came from money...
hahaaa
yep, sure did...
and everything was scrubbed and clean and new...and ah, well, cost alot of money...where i came from...
but no, that didn't mean i was happy....just because we had money...
happiness...
ponder that -"candyland" "molasses swamp" of logic for a moment..."Why aren't you "Happy""
no...sorry--->>>
money cant you love -- but...it does buy cocaine...and hustlers for that matter...so who cares???
money....
ponder that one -- for a minute...
if money weren't the issue....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
what money buys:
pause....
>>>>>>>>>>
new valium prescriptions for mom...of course...
and
seven new boats for dad...two pool boys, and three gardeners...and a full time mechanic...and ah -- one lonely, dark son -- in the corner writing poetry and ah..."Weird" stories...
but i was wearing "polo" blazers and khakis and cole haan loafers...right?
>>>my mother screams...
"Why can't you be like the other boys...((Damien)))" ???
they had a fucking -- little gay "witch" and budding "porn star" on their hands...
for chrissake...
the other boys...
yeah...so help me god this is true...
one afternoon...i lined them all up -- on the side yard of our house...and well, made all of them pull down their pants...
like in a "line up" and looked all their (adolescent) butts...to see which one i liked the best...
((i was 10 years old at that time...))
wow - a boy "dominatrixx" at age ten...
my poor mother....god bless her...the shit she had to put up with...like five phone calls from the other mothers, whoose kids came running home, crying:
"Sean made me pull down my pants...and he looked up my butt..."
hehehe
"mom, they liked it.. was all i could confess..."
yeah my poor mom...what do you do with a kid like that??
in like 1970...?
it got worse...
yep -- there i was...16 years old, writing "weird" ((sex)) stories and all glazed over in pain and fear and all that light...
the perfect "OC" shade of light emanating from my lost and far away -- "nobody home" glazed over -- glossed over stare, that the world craves in it's wounded and incested and ultra-wealthy-priveldged...youth...
>>>>>>>>>>>>fuck...more coffee...hang on...
ok I'am rambling...ah, i just woke up...
and ah - no...
i can't remember where I'am in my med course...
>>>>i think i'll take the --"Anti-Seizure" med right now...god forbid i should tell my doc that,...those little red pills get me so fucking high i can't even see straight,
...no i would never tell her that -- because if i did, of course she'd change it, and switch me to something else...
>>>>>>>>>
side effects...
ponder that one..for a minute...
you take a pill because you can't sleep...
>>>>>>> then you take a pill because you can't wake up...
and then you take a pill...because your going to die...and of course, the pill is actually killing you...
all the while -- it is saving your life....
ponder that...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>
the worst sin here, in this lifetime,, is to enjoy your life...
thats a fact, or to be free: and everyone wants to enjoy life and be free, and the minute that you hint at -- or let on that --
that maybe -->>>youve gotten close to that...to being "Free..."
well it's a dog-pile...
of all your closest sp? friends telling you -- to -- change everything...
or something...
yeah, theres something wrong with you...
and were going to find out what it is...and fix you....
because your living under the delusion that life might be worth living or that somehow you've escaped...
ponder the metaphor//allegory?
:of "plato's" cave story...for a minute...
>>>you free yourself and walk out into the light...
and then you return to tell all your kindreds -- that...
"hey - i got free and got away...from the chains -- in the cave and theres light out there...follow me...it's really cool out there - in the light and it's real...the "shadows..." on the cave walls are not real...they are indeed, just shadows..."
well, of course they are going to tear you limb from limb....
why ? because --- (((i love you...))) because they are so comfortble being ---trapped...
of course...trapped and limited: to fly is scary...
to be away from the "pack..." is frightning...
and this - >>>to be free: out there alone>>>
that is -- free and unlimited ---: is, to be a "god..."
here...
release them..they will not thank you -- no they won't...
tell them or try to set them free...and they surely will
pull you back into the cave and re-chain you to the wall...or medicate you so heavily that well, your not even going to be able to talk...enough to tell anyone the truth...
am i making sense...?
yet?
>>>stop making sence...sense...
>>>>>
>>>age 12 -- wrote a suicide note: got sent to a shrink...
>>>age 16 - wrote a love letter about my uncle...he was a marine, actually, blonde and blue eyed and buffed...
got sent to a shrink...
age 24 -- got sent away to an asylum..for admitting that i wanted to end my life...during a "Co-dependancy rehab..."
(in ah.. of all places...pennsylvania...) which is a whole nother sp? story...
age 27: all my friends were either dead or dying...
told a social worker i was in grief...and angry...
(a real --"blonde" suburban cunt...)
yeah -- >>>>> got sent to a shrink...
i dunno - life is like a series of...
(hey guess what?? i'am not in 20s anymore, so ---
i can make declarative statements, like that...now:
about "life" >>> ive got experience...and lived --alot -
i can say things like.."life is like this..."
yeah, sure can fucker...
ive all ready lived about ten lives...
ten lifetimes...
and yeah all ready been dead five times and had three major breakdowns...((ah, break-throughs...))
all in this tiny -- "on fire" with rage and funky -- ((sex- smell))
fucked up ((sex)) stories...embedded...in this:
my body -- my flesh>>>my blood-life-energy...aura..
and psyche body of mine -- now covered with 20 tats (and counting) to commorate the milestones of my lifehere...
no --
it doesn't seem "real" actually...seems all like a dream..
a wet dream - of course....
...but suffice to say...alot has happened and yeah...just like an old vampire..who wanders the material world for eons and eons...
ok? perhaps switching bodies or personaes on occasion...
well, i've seen it all -- yeah four times...bro...seen it all ...
yeah, every man in need, rich and poor:
looking up to me...on his knees...and deep into his soul...
and i (almost) always kiss them -- right before they suck my cock...and i say: i love you...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>
ok man, where was i???
i forgot what i was saying....
not that it mattered at all: but since your still reading this, hehee -- well, then i'll continue...on
now...
where were we?
feelings....i love you....
love....
yeah --
i don't really think i'am human...anymore...
and not quite a "god" yet: soo - then, what am i??
angels: "Please tell me what i'am and why you made me???"
>>>>>>>>>>>
my destiny: to be a god among mortals...something called the: "Bonerage"...a renegade angel....an "eolhim"...of sorts...
the shinning one...walking among the humans...because i see everything...
can see into men's souls and know there ache...
humans....
to be human...and have that ache...that nobody undertands...
and if you look into my eyes: you always know that i understand...thats what "hustlers" do...they take away the "ache..."
the ahce...
ponder that....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
everytime i acted like a "human" and did something perfectly logical...A plus B equaled C - in most cases...
yeah i got carted off to a shrink...
fucking shrinks bro...
oh -- you don't fit in...??? your not :normal...???
having trouble -- "fitting in..."
then i guess your going to the shrink...
wanna talk back? -- yeah, your going to the doctor...
wanna tell us how fucked we are...?
yeah
ah, guess what -- your getting medicated...
your getting some "treatment..." ah yeah, for your -- belligerence...
or your "curable" >>>>>...homosexuality...
or for your refusal to deform yourself...
and become -- "just like us..."
scared--- and trapped...
>>>>>>>>>>>>
normal....not normal...
"your not normal..." and not like -- "the other boys..."
>>>>>>>>>>your going to the shrink...
for the fact that your "Strange..." or different...or something ah---special..yeah we don't have time for anything that might wake us the fuck up and rouse up from our sleep - walking ((fucked - up -- nuerotic lives -- in pursuit of the material world...) lives....
and make us realize or confront anything : like : "God..."
>>>>>>>>>>>"your going to the shrink...
"it's for you own good..."
thats a riot!
i love that one....for your own good....
and yeah...:"Were trying to help you..."
ah, >>>>"we love you...."
"were trying to help you...."
>>>help me --
what? commit suicide???
god....
god -- something alive and pure and transforming...
something beautiful and fresh...
???
i dunno...
i was -- 12 years old and sitting in front of a lone candle...
with my eyes closed...
meditating:
even before i had read the teachings of Lao tszu...sp?
or about the taoist immortals...
or even the
"ascended masters" or a place called: shambala...
or nirvana...
or of:
jivanmukta's...or even of jinanis.. sp? or of the: bonerage or even the "Elohim..."
anyway...
row - row - row your boat...gentley down the stream...strange...
((just sit tight..here - i'll get to the raunchy "sex part" of the story...-- i promise...))
>>>>>>>
the shrink:
yeah - your going to the doctor, cuz theres something "wrong" with you...cuz...you don't fit in...
your going to the "Shrink..."
ponder that one...the "Shrink..."
hahaha! i'am laughing my ass off...right now --
ah, my head off -- my shrunken head....off, of course....
right off >>>>>>>>>>
"ok look at these ink blots and tell me what you see??"
>>>>>>>>>
the ink blots...
ink blots:
the first time i saw the ink blots...i laughed...
"are you fucking kidding me...???
"you want me to look at ink blots...?
i don't "see" anything...
i see ink...on a white piece of paper..."
>>>>>>>>>
talk about a fucked up way to get someone to conform...
conform...
to the worlds mental illness...
insanity...
menatal illness...take your meds...
>>>>>>yeah the world is mentally ill...
surprise...
yep.....
wake up...
yep...to the whole fucked up mess...
everyone is mentally ill...here...the world is mentally sick...
and all of it's systems are - ah, mentally ill...
and all of the governments are - ah, mentally ill...
and a world that pretends to be so full of "god" and good...and light >>>>
will actually kill and destroy anything that is really, like..."god...'
right?
and when they say: it's because "we love you"
...or
"do it for jesus..."
well, you get a whole nother idea of what the world calls...love...
and love here...in this reality...bro --
you dont, fucken want it...
trust me...
when someone says to you --"i love you..."
run the other way....
when they say that..."i love you...."
what they really mean is:
"i will do everything in my power to fucking kill you..."
and trap you...and maim you and ah, punish you...
>>>it means -- they hate you ---
"yeah, take your shit and get the fuck out...!!!"
how mant times have i heard that one...or said it myself...
yeah...
yeah -- man -- "i love you" -- man...
"love you -- mean it -- " heheee
it really means:
stay with me here, trapped as i 'am...and put on these handcuffs...and well die together, suffocating each other...one (toxic) day at a time...
i love you -- i promise....
right ?
>>>>>>>>>>>>
ah -- perspective...
no -- you can't....
>>>>one does not get the perspective --- my perspective...
on things, until yeah, you've roamed the heavens and the earth for eons, like a vampire...for - ever and have seen all the crimes; (of humanity) an of love and all the pain and fear...
and rage....that looks like love...
the entire world -- built on lies and rage and fear...and love:
but then -- boom: it all falls down ...breaks apart...and the center -- does not hold...
and once youve seen thnigs breaking apart...like your mind or your world...or your heart....breaking -- down
then you realize that humanity is basically: simply: totally:
mentally ill...or ah, just royally -- fucked up...
and dis-eased and toxic and well, ah, fucked up...bro...
and it will always be fucked up and no - it will never, ever be:
"not fucked up..."
is that clear enough for you...? doc...?
ink blots...
my doc to me:
"do you ever "see" things...ah, things that aren't there...?"
"well, ((ass-wipe)) how can i see them -- if there, -- not...ah, not "there" - doc??"
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
ink blots...
well...
what do i see? in this blob of ink??
-- on this piece of white paper...?
ok bro...i'll play the game...
because if i don't play your game then i'am---
"severely -- disturbed..." right?
then i'am: "manic and refuse to fit in...and somewhat --"depressed..." right??
"Depressed and severley disturbed..."
official diagnosis...
age 16 and ah -- age 26...and ah..."neurotic..." with "severe behavioral problems..." age 35...
"inability to accept "reality"...." age 40...
reality....: is.....
reality --
is bullshit...man...
and no your not gonna trap me ever again....in your giant -- human, mind-fuck -- a rama...pal...nope -- never again....
maybe it's time that you, doctor --
"take the meds...."
can't aqccept "reality"
but whoose reality are we talking about ??
the hellish one that -- your creating and sucking the world into ----- buying????
the greed is good, build bombs, buy things, rape me and send all the young -- beautiful boys to war...to get their heads blown off, you need to be medicated because your different, and not mr. hetero---consumer -- reality...bro-- ????
is that reality that i can't accept???
>>>>>if i'am the "devil" to a world that allows 12 year olds to be fucked by preists in the name of god...or loves and lives for violence...and ah, plastic surgery, and mindless entertainment...and toxic food...add to the list-- then ah yeah fuck yeah...i guess i'am the devil....
and pretty damm proud to be that...
the world's dark angel....
a demon to all the world's religious "right" who would slit my throat and sleep like a baby afterwards...saying amen...after the deed was done...
then yeah -- here i'am...telling the masses: hey guess what?
"god" is no where near a church...and hasn't been there -- >>>>>>>>>forever...
the messiah...means: the annointed one...
>>>>>>>>>
the habitrail of insanity...greed and rape...
reality...whoose reality???
>>>>>>>>>
your done...u white -- dead - inside, dinosuars...you stale fucking, putrid, wreeking of death, zombies....
on the air-waves...you will not rape my mind...nor my body, nor make me -- kneel to your "god" -- of fear....
and for this i will be torn -- limb from limb...>>>>>>>>
life begins at 40>>>>>>>>>>>>
age 40...i walk off the path...after my fifth near death experience...
i leave the world -- to it's own devices...i turn off the tv and sit alone....i go off:
the habitrail of insanity...
and into the jungle of nothingness...
into the cosmos of god...
and let the fuck go...and well, fall into the bowels of back rooms and sex clubs and emerge to become:
an angel to the lost --->>>>>
a porn star -- of sorts...
finally meeting my destiny...to help the soul-sick...
the lost children...commanding the elements...
fully aware of my power and light...
i emerge as:
a shaman....
a sexual shaman....no less....
life begins at 40...indeed...it does...
40
i awoke...roamed the heavens...and laying in a hospital bed...
watching a "portal" open up...as i was about to die....yep...
and boom...it all became clear....
enlightenment...
age 45...
clarity.........
((realizing everything was and is "bullshit"
((see "plato'plato"s cave...above"))
life is like:............
god is like....heaven is like...
i know what heaven is like...been there three times...
and twice to hell.....
decided to come back to earth....
ink blots----------->>>
what do you see???
ok Sean...
>>>>>>>>>now, look at these ink blots and tell me what you see....
ok...
ink blots...
"ok doc...what do i see ?"
I see: blood everywhere...
i see: insanity and pain...
I see: people who are dead and dying and have no souls...
I see: moeny and ah, dead people....
i see: a shrink that totally insane and quite (mentally) ill...
ah....
i see: fear.....
>>>>>>>>>>
"your son is deeply disturbed...i'am afraid...."
>>>>>>
what really happens when a budding - sarcastic, psychic, enlightened>>>16 year old budding homosexual with the soul of a sage and the dick of a porn star starts to realize:
"It's all bullshit...and ah, your just mad at me cuz well, i'am smarter than you..."
>>>>>
yeah ----
you can medicate me and my libido but really,
it's just going to incite me to become -- something even stronger and more powerful....
i'll just get stronger and louder and more powerful...and i'll get away....i'll run away, theres got to be someplace where i can shine and live and not fit in and hide all at the same time....
yeah...
manhattan....here i'am....
i'am not gonna die...i'll go back to earth and live -- because heaven won't take me and hell couldn't hold me....
it all just made me stronger....
they all tried to kill me -- i lay in a hospital bed, shrunken and dying...my skin peeling away, my light fading, but then -- my human life passed away....i began to shine...and my body grew strong again...the angels did not want me to go...
i was going to die...i was supposed to die...
i kinda did die -- and then was re-born....
>>>>>>>>>i didn't die....it all just made me stronger....
beautiful and powerful...and knowing...
>>>>>>>>>>>
"what ever doesn't kill you makes you stronger"
thank you -->>>...albert camus...
stronger ---
and well, smarter...and you, well, you doc??
your just gonna get more toxic...aren't you bro...???
see ya in hell...man...
with your ink blots...
>>>>>>>
go ahead and tell a doctor - a shrink when your 16 to go to hell....and, that you see blood, and insanity -- everywhere...
in a series of ink blots....(hehehe) fuck him...
blood and murder and rape...everywhere...
>>>>>deeply disturbed...???
yeah -- yes i'am...and why aren't you ??
deeply disturbed....
((have you watched the 6 o clock news lately....?))
my first shrink...
like i said: fuck him....
what a sick fuck he was -- bad breath and bad dandruff and all..fuck him -- twice...yep...
probably shaking the priests hand at communion on sunday, just before he greased up his cock to slid it into a line up of chior boys...yeah baby ...taking it up the ass --
for "jesus" -- of course...
and then going home and jacking off to porn imported from Sweden, the kind with 12 year olds in it...
((this was before the internet...when you actually had to "buy" porn....right?
when it was an actual...magazine...))
anyway...
sex object..........
>>>yeah i got caught having sex with the gardner...
and the pool boys and ah, the mechanic...and ah yeah,
my uncle...
oops - thats not supposed to happen...right?
sucking off -- the staff...the butler and the chauffuers and the
guy that brings the flowers every week...
16 years old...all ready -- almost? a sex addict...
or a sex god -- or just a god -- or something...knowing and full of rage and -- genius...and a pretty twisted sense of reality...
to the maid:
"if you don't leave me alone...i'll tie you up and put you in the closet....ok man -- no fuck off...and get out..."
actually -- i really liked her.......
16 going on 17...(an empty page that men will want to write on...)
my vocabulary was like that of a college professor...
where is he learning those words???
(((we need a dictionary to talk to our son....)))
yeah -- i was smarter than them -- than all of them...
and they didn't like that...
like i said: fuck them....
the smirk on my face always said the same thing:
"fuck you...i'am smarter than you are..."
"your pathetic and your life is pathetic..as well..."
"your insignificant and i'am insignificant and none of this really matters..."
go ahead, tell your shrink that, when your 16 years old....
and see what the fuck happens//>>>>>>> tell the truth and get the punishment...just like jesus...
"I'am afraid...your son is: deeply disturbed..."
>>>>>>>>>>the truth...
they will try to wear you down: into submitting to their will...
into being "Toxified" and terrified..and full of fear...and just as fucked up and neurotic as them...
doing exactly to your kids what you had done to you...
right...???
and so it goes...
16 years old and trapped in the 70s...
16 going on 17...((innocent as a rose...totallly unprepared am i to face a world of --- men....)) wicked grin...(sound of music...)
16...going on 17...
i got my drivers license and went straight to hollywood boulevard...to see the prositutes...yep - sure did...
16 going on 99...
one side of my psyche...full of wanton - and unapologetic...
butt-fuking lust and wanting...
the other: pocessing the eyes that have seen god...
and enlightened...
seen god: of course...five times now...and yeah always...
"near death..."
what is life?: if not a long -- near-death...experience...
???
>>>>>>>>>>>>
mike knight...
the perfect example of what happens when you become adjusted, well adjusted to a sick society, no, thats not a judgment call, just a statement of fact...
he was the epitome...of:
the mask of (in)sanity...
so to speak...
they got to mike and yep -- they mind-fucked poor mike...
mike knight...senior vp -- for global investment...raking in around a mill a year...he was perfect...he was:
the perfect looking man, with the perfect apartment, and the perfect hair-do...and the perfect wardrobe...
and the perfect ass...for that matter...and as destiny would have it: me and mr. mike would meet, one evening...late...very late...on the street...a date with destiny...
the dark angel and mr perfect...
nobody gets to me by mistake...no - they don't - you cross my path:
it means your entire existence is going to be transformed...
ut means your ready to be set free: thats what i'am and thats what i do...your own personal "sin eater..."
mike knight...: the absolute epitome of everything this world respects and worships...
he was about to confront his other side...
his mask was about to break off -- bit by bit and piece by piece...
mike knight -- perfect in every way...
he had everything - he had it all...except his soul...
there was nowhere for mike to go...except to his knees, in front of me...
"you wanna come upstairs?" he asks me on the street...and smiles a perfect smile...
"ahh.. yeah sure..." i smile....kind of innocent...yeah - and coy....fuck yeah..."sure..." ((i was low on blood anyway...)
"yeah sure..." wink -- wink...
mike knight: i'am sure to him i was just another -- "rough trick" hed use up -- suck the life out of and then discard and throw away....
heheee..........no not this time...
in manhttan @ 4-20am on the street you never know who your dealing with....right?
we walk into the door...
of his perfect apartment...with the perfect dog - of course, and the perfect couch...and the perfect hallway, with too much light...and pulls out a vile...of white powder and graces the perfect marble counter with a perfect line and well, perfectly sucks it up his nose...a satisfied grin on his face looking at me like -- i'am some kind of appetizer at nobu...that he will soon eat and then forget....
to the ultra-rich -- you are something to be amused by and played with for awhile...i know this first hand...trust me...
>>>>the mask of sanity....
ponder that one...
>>>>>>>>>>
i could always see into people's souls...
or see through -- their mask's...and had no problem telling them what i saw....
"take your meds..."
yeah...right...
seeing into men's souls....@ 4am in midtown manhattan....
knowing --- the curse off "knowing..."
my other curse is: (of course) is:
to be the proud owner of an exxtra thiick 8 inch dick, of course...waving it all around in everyone's face...and saying...: you can't have it...bro...
well, maybe...
maybe -- hehee
you can suck it..and maybe you can even fuck me...
yeah, you can have my ass,
but ah..well:
youll never have "me"....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
pause...mike knight...
the masks we wear...
the one thats says we are pure and innocent and full of light...
innocent -- : the "good" one...
thats the mask - mike knight was wearing the night we met....
but i saw through it -- because -- i loved him....
i looked beyond the moeny and the apartment...andhis million dollar smile...and saw what was really there...what was really behind his cocaine addiction and sex addiction and fear and ambition...and success...panic, and rage and fear...
>>>>>>help me....
this is why i'am a "god" here...in this reality --
because i know that money is not going to fix it...
boy do i know that...
if i don't know anything, i sure do -- know that...
any really -- nobody else can see that -->>>>>>>>
the world can't see that -- but i can...
when people see a piece of paper framed on the wall..or a red tie and white shirt and a blue blazer, they think: money and money in america means -- good...and sanity...
and god and "right..."
and if your a shrink then of course, your mentally healthy -- right? i mean you must be...right?
like i said: fuck him and fuck them all....
those toxic -- sick fuckers...who murder and steal money and fuck 12 year old boys...and call themselves "god..." and good...
i know them and what they are...
>>>>>
we all could have saved alot of time if my mother would have gone to the shrink and dealt with her own homophobia...
but thats a whole nother therapy session....
pause...
right??
sorry -- that was the 70s...
back then: oh...your a fag?
yeah -- back then -- if you were dumb enough, to admit or ah, get caught...ah, doing it....with the pool boy...add to the list :
then yeah --
you were considered: "mentally ill..."
"your going to sunday school...your going to bible camp...your going to church..."
connect the dots...
thats right -- >>>singing in the chior...
i was the favorite - in the choir...of course...
for jesus....amen...
thats a good boy...yeah -- just like that...good boy...for jesus...
>>>>>>>>>>>>
the mask of sanity...
google that and youll get some interesting reading...
the mask...
you can be a murderer - in this country -- or even be a high level ranking military officer or senator or whatever...
but as long as you go on Tv and say: "I didn't -- do it..."
and your wearing a brook's brother suit...
well...
as long as you look innocent in america...
then you are innocent...
as long as you face is white: of course...
and you have the money to hire the right lawyers then...
yes !
fuck yes...your innocent and ah, "Good"
right ...??
((come to think of it -- oj's face is not white...))
anyway...
>>>>>>>>>>
the mask of sanity...or having fun when you've got alot of money and how to break the law...and get away with it...
>>>there couldn't possibly be anything sinister happening in a church -- it's a house of: god....
right?
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
god and money: the things of this world...
money...
the rich are innocent....
and as we all know --- they never lie...(they never have gay sons either - for that matter...)
presits never fuck 14 year old boys and --
god is money and -- money is god...if and if have money then your good and god...and if your in the church your good and god...
yeah....ok...
love is hate and hate is love...and the meds your taking are going to kill you faster than the original dis-ease...
that really, you never had in the first place...
but how else were we going to get you addicted to all --
all the ((pretty) meds ((with pretty sounding names))
and all the side effects...
and siphon...sp? off
your lifeforce...
and basically kill you...
pause...
for money -- of course...
in the name of jesus...of course -- amen...
and
god bless america....
rape me....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
what is god???
god is gentle...
god is creative...
god doesn't murder...does he? does she?
or is god just an energy -- raging and perfect and surging...
and everything..the love and the kindness and the murder and earth and blood and sky and blue flowers...
and light snow coating the basket ball court across the street from my apartment in hells kitchen???
????
emanations of light...
projections of light...
transforming...light...
particles of light...
we are....
light....
like a movie projector...projecting light...and manifesting bodies...to ah, explore, on the material planes...
and yeah we love blood and violence and drama...and death and dis-ease....
right?
because if we didn't then we wouldn't create so much of it...and then broadcast it 24 hours a day...
on the TV....yep...inter-s-pursed with a million drug commercials...
telling you that there is something wrong with you...
of course...serving up the dis-ease of the hour....
here bro: here is the dis-ease of the day
...and:
heres the cure...by the way...
just ask you doctor...
who, really is not a doctor at all but actually --
more like a drug pusher....
or a great salesman...
cashing in on your un-happiness...and dis-ease...however it manifests....
not happy???
ah -- we need to medicate you and your pain....
and make you "happy..." cuz if your not "Happy..." then something is wrong...
right?
>>>>>>>>>
particles of light...
quantum mechanics...
there is an infinite amount of outcomes...
at any given minute...all played out...into a million different realities...just take you pick....
the psychic -- multiplex...cinema of the mind and light and shadow....
fuck i think i took my meds twice.....
>>>>>>>>>>>
particles of light...
we are all, just particles of light...
a giant tv screen, of particles...
of lap top -- desk top, sequences of numbers that light up in a certain way...and well. kind of -- walk around...amnifesting bodies as that light...
we are particles of light...
simple molecules....of light...of god...
of energy....
of love....?
>>>everything breakdown to particles...
and guess what - when you break down the particles and look inside them - they are basically -- nothing...
we are basically nothing...
but vapors of light...
yeah kinda like -- no -- just like - that --- in the "matrix..." movies...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>we are numbers...on a key-board...a giant "Simms" program...particles of energy, beign directed by a supreme being or not...programs...or programmed....to do something....and yeah, theres no getting out of your destiny...
is there?
check out...the myth of sysphiis... sp?
if everything is pre-destined...then why live at all...?
it should be noted here that the so called: "Existentialists" all committed suicide....btw...well most of them...like albert camus...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>
mike knight...and the pleasure model...
one of the most toxic people i have encountered...yeah...
and yeah he had a big dick also and a hot ass...which he shoved a "bump" of coke into -- in the bathroom...right after he found his black jock strap...in the pile of dirty clothes...
in a closet full of "thomas pink" -- ((350.00$) shirts and "Armani" 2000.00$ dollar suits...
mr. knight was a high level...banking executive...there he was -- 4am -- ass in the air...a bump of coke up his ass and a bottle of poppers to his nose...ready to get fucked...in his 2500.oo dollar a mont apartment...and there i was...
a kind of gay...dirty harry...shaman...hustler...doctor of the soul...ready to take mr. knight down to the bowels of hell and take his demons...out and bring him face to face with them...
yeah...hey guess what...i'am gonna show you your own self --hatred...and i'am gonna do it -- with my dick up your ass...and while i'am fucking you...i'am gonna make you cry --
by asking you...
"Tell me how much you fucking hate yourself...to be getting fucked like a pig...on the floor...you are so beautiful...and look at yourself...why are you trying to destroy yourself...you have everything but you have nothing -- do you bro? your just a scared little boy that wants to get fucked by daddy...well, here i'am...say it-- : fucker...I wanna hear you say how much you hate yourself...!!! (i'am fucking him harder now as i yell that at him...)) say it fuck head...you want my load...? is that what you want...? bare-backing at 5am -- all high on coke....gonna go to the office in three hours and put together another banking deal...that will make sure people like you get more and more and that people like me will get less and less? is that it fucker??
i wanna hear you say that i'am your god...and that my dick..is your god and that you worship the ground i walk on..."
and that you hate yourself...because you need me...and my darkness..."
the guy broke...while i was fucking him and began to cry...and the two worlds met...crashing together...the two personaes...collided...the one that wore the black jock strap and the one that wore the 350.00 dollar shirt...and his insanity cracked and his mask feel to the floor...
wake up...
he was sobbing...and i loved him....for that ..
yeah to do that for him...
give him "therapy" like that....
pull off his shackles and yank him into the light -- out of platos cave - like that...
(((clear mind and clean body...)))
i cant shake that bro...
of all the guys ive done things for: mike knight...
there was something about him...
i dunno...
i'am the transformer...basically thats my job here...
to simply transform things...
like your mind, like other people's thoughts, and maybe even the world...i dunno...
morpheus...
maybe i'am -- something like,
"the one..."
i certainty was: "the one..." for mike knight...
his "transformer..." thats for sure...
yep. after me -- he'd never be the same...again...
wasn't the kindest -- "wake up" "call" i ever did,
but ah...you fit the "medicine" to the patient...right?
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
more coffee - and fuck i think no -- i'am sure that
i took my "anti-seizure" meds twice...
well one thing is for sure today...
i def, will not have a seizure....
today...
right ?
hold that thought....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
your a special case.....
i love that expression...
"special case..."
ponder that one for a minute....
mike knight was a special case...
and what a hole he had...awesome...
one of the finest...and yeah he asked for it so i gave it to him...a hot thiick creamy load up his ass...
"descent into madness..."
heheee....
being a "dark-angel" is a dirty business, but yeah somebody has got to do it...and that would be me...thats my destiny....
destiny....
ponder that one...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>born to die and dying to be re-born...
full of dis-ease...when dis-ease is not really, real...
miracles....
if your dis-ease disappears..then it's called: a miracle...
right?
but what if you simply -- just realized that all dis-ease isn't real...and that "god" was everywhere...
and that yeah...everything was -- "beautiful..."
then what??
and that even the darkness was god...
and that "god" was the darkness...
not the darkness alone -- but yeah was also -- the darkness and that pain was beautiful...
and too much light can kill you...
yep, it sure can bro...
it's killing you right now...and you don't even know it...
it was killing mike knight...but i saved his soul....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
a breakdown...
so really now - what is a "breakdown" except your inability to continue to "fit in" to a mentally ill system...
a rejection of all the suppressions...
>>>>>>>>
and yeah, what if:
you just let it all -- come "out"
finally...
yeah go ahead...let it all out...and bled off the pressure...
thats right baby...just let it out...
and i'am gonna hold you while you do it...right here, in my arms, i'am gonna give you "love..." real love...
yeah it hurts to know that someone loves you -- doesn't it?
pain feels good because were used to it..but love -- real love...when someone gives it to you...fuck shit oh my god...
it hurts...
like oxygen...to the suffocating...you breathe...
for the first time...and realize...you've been a sleep -- all this time....
a new heaven on earth --- so to speak....
and yeah -- welcome...to the "real" world....
>>>>>>>>>
the real world...ponder that one....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
the first rule of becoming and being immortal:
or having eternal life:
first you have to die...
ponder that one....
and by the way...
i love you....
Sean
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